Eagles Nest BBS 5/Eagles_Nest_Mac_Collection_Disc_5.TOAST/Other Non-Macintosh Text/HUMOR51-60/hum051

Internet Message Format | 1994-03-21 | 136KB

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Date:         Mon, 7 Mar 1994 06:33:52 -0500
From: BITNET list server at UGA (1.7f) <[e-mail]>
Subject:      File: "HUMOR LOG00051"
To: Jack Zibert <[e-mail]>

=========================================================================
Date:         Tue, 21 Dec 1993 22:59:49 -0500
Reply-To:     Paul Robinson <[e-mail]>
Sender:       UGA Humor List <[e-mail]>
From:         Paul Robinson <[e-mail]>
Subject:      Bandwidth Revision Notice

From: Paul Robinson <[e-mail]>
Organization: Tansin A. Darcos & Company, Silver Spring, MD USA
-----

There is a line relevant to "bandwidth" which can now be changed,
to read as follows:

   Never underestimate the bandwidth of a station wagon full of
   mag tapes, or of a 747 full of CD-ROMs.

---
Paul Robinson - [e-mail]
Voted "Largest Polluter of the (IETF) list" by Randy Bush <[e-mail]>
-----
The following Automatic Fortune Cookie was selected only for this message:

Try to get all of your posthumous medals in advance.
=========================================================================
Date:         Wed, 22 Dec 1993 00:02:40 -0400
Reply-To:     [e-mail]
Sender:       UGA Humor List <[e-mail]>
Comments:     Warning -- original Sender: tag was LIEBER_DANI@BENTLEY
From:         Daniel Lieber <[e-mail]>
Subject:      Re: scientific santa proof

From:   EOS::LIEBER_DANI  "Daniel P. Lieber - [phone]." 21-DEC-1993 11:55
   :41.42
To:     IN%"[e-mail]"
CC:     LIEBER_DANI
Subj:   RE: scientific santa proof

Bob Musat relayed an article from _SPY Magazine_.  My favorite
analysis of that one still applies:

        * What restriction is there to only ONE Santa Claus?  It is quite
possible that there are many more than one (just look up Smith in the phonebook
and you'll know what I'm talking about).  The stories usually only refer to one
but they don't say the *only* one.  It is quite possible that there are
15,000,000 Santa Clauses running around somewhere...

        I hope that perks up your mind for the day!

                                                        --Daniel Lieber

       /'''      Daniel Lieber                                    '''\
       c-OO           Communication is a key to                   OO-c
       |  \                success. "It is a luxury to            /  |
       \ _:                     be understood." --Emerson         :_ /
       / \                           [e-mail]       / \
=========================================================================
Date:         Wed, 22 Dec 1993 11:58:56 +0000
Reply-To:     [e-mail]
Sender:       UGA Humor List <[e-mail]>
From:         Alun Richards <[e-mail]>
Subject:      Seasonal, Clean, Irish,
              unnoffensive. (Hey! an achievement) (Primary school stuff really).

         Q: How does Batman's mum call him for dinner?
         A: Dinner, dinner, dinner, dinner,
            Dinner, dinner, dinner, dinner, BATMAN!

         ----------------------------------------------------

         Seasonal One:
         Groucho and Chico discussing a contract, looking for a get-out.

         Groucho: "What about a sanity clause?"
         Chico: "Hey, don't-a be stupid, everybody-a knows there ain't-a no
         Sanity Claus".

         ------------------------------------------------------

         Paddy starts a job on the building site taking bricks from one
         part of it to the other in a wheelbarrow.  At the end of the day
         he goes to the foreman and complains:

         Paddy: "Foreman, my wheelbarrow goes
         'squeek.......squeek......squeek......squeek.....'"
         Foreman: "Paddy, you're fired!"
         Paddy: "Why, begorragh, foreman, all I do is tell you my
         wheelbarrow goes
         'squeek.......squeek......squeek......squeek.....' and you fire
         me.  Why?"
         Foreman: "To be sure, Paddy, it should be going:
         'squeek.squeek.squeek.squeek.squeek.squeek.squeek.squeek.'"
=========================================================================
Date:         Wed, 22 Dec 1993 08:40:08 GMT
Reply-To:     DENIS R ARMBRUSTER <[e-mail]>
Sender:       UGA Humor List <[e-mail]>
Comments:     VULGAR AIDS HUMOR
From:         DENIS R ARMBRUSTER <[e-mail]>
Subject:      VULGAR AIDS HUMOR

          What is the first sign of AIDS?


          The pounding in your ass


          What's meaner than a pit bull with AIDS?


          The guy that gave it to him
=========================================================================
Date:         Wed, 22 Dec 1993 14:58:10 MET
Reply-To:     Tomasz Andraszek <[e-mail]>
Sender:       UGA Humor List <[e-mail]>
From:         Tomasz Andraszek <[e-mail]>
Organization: The Palace of Youth in Warsaw
Subject:      Militia humor.

Wives of militia men have a chat.
-You know, people are telling jokes about stupid militia men.
 I sometimes think that there can be some truth in it. To help my man
 I've bought him dictionary.
-I would buy mine the same but I'm not sure if he eats this.

Militia man patroling the streets meets his work fellow, going hand by
 wing with a pinguin.
-Where did you get that bird from?
-He walked to me somehow and I don't know what to do with him.
-Take him to the zoo.
After a few hours he meets them again.
-You didn't take him to the zoo, did you?
-Yes, I did, now we're going to the cinema.

In front of the vending machine stands a militia man. He puts a coin
inside, gets his soda, drinks it and puts a coin again and so on.
People standing behind him get impatient.
-Man! cut it!
-No way, I'm still winning.

In a militia school there's a briefing before an excursion.
-Squad one and two aboard bus, squad three aboards trailer. The bus
 leaves at 8, sharp! Are there any questions?
-What time does the trailer leave?

Pack of kids is shouting and behaving rude at a Black man waiting for
a bus.
-Ape!, ape!, ape! - they cry
Amused militia man encounters them.
-And what you can say about this sir? - asks the Black man.
-Oh! It's talking!

Times of the martial law in Poland. (1981-1983?)
Four heavy armed militia men walking down the street. Suddenly they
saw a running man. One of them takes his machine gun and shots him.
- Why did you kill him? - the other three are interested - he had ten
  minutes before the curfew starts.
- But I knew him and I knew where he lived. Even running he couldn't
  make it on time.


Before you read this one, a little explanation: "Pewex" shops during
communist times were the only well suplied shops but you had to
pay for goods in american dollars. The other thing was that possessing
foreign currency was illegal if it didn't come from official
contracts.
The funny thing was that Polish workers employed in Soviet Union in
70's were getting part of their salaries in US dollars!

Wives of three militia men are discussing how stupid their husband
are.
- Mine passed red lights one time and ticketed himself for that.
- Mine forgot car keys, unlocked the car with a screw-driver and
  arrested himself for that
- And mine went to the "Pewex" shop one time, jumped over the counter
  and asked for asylum.

Militia man lost his truncheon (the rubber club?). He was very
unhappy about this. Small boy found it and wanted to return it to the
owner.
-Here you go, that's your truncheon.
-Thank you but it's not mine - I lost mine
=========================================================================
Date:         Wed, 22 Dec 1993 09:41:00 -0400
Reply-To:     "One good turn gets most of the blanket." <[e-mail]>
Sender:       UGA Humor List <[e-mail]>
From:         "Sometimes I really wish I could be what I was when I wanted to
              be what I am now." <[e-mail]>
Subject:      Officer Bill and the Station wagon.......

        One day, Officer Bill is on duty, driving around in his cruiser, when
he catches sight of a station wagon that appears to have about two dozen
children in the back, all jumping up and down, and waving their arms.
        Wondering what is going on, he pulls the guy over, and asks:
"What are all those kids doing in the back?"
        "Oh, they're not children, Officer," replies the driver,
"They're some penguins I found the other day.  I don't know what to do with
then so they have been living with me for the last few days."
        Officer Bill is a bit surprised, but manages to come back with:
"You can't drive around with penguins in the back of your station wagon! I
want you to take them to the zoo immediately."
        So the guy turns around, and drives off towards the zoo.
        Next day, Officer Bill is cruising again, and sees the same station
wagon, and as he pulls up closer, he sees that the penguins are still in the
back.  So he pulls the driver over again and says:
        "Now, just a minute. I thought I told you to take those penguins to
the zoo."
        The driver replies: "But Officer, I did take them to the zoo. They
had such a good time, I'm taking them to the movies today."
=========================================================================
Date:         Wed, 22 Dec 1993 08:20:00 PST
Reply-To:     Cox Terry 5741 <[e-mail]>
Sender:       UGA Humor List <[e-mail]>
From:         Cox Terry 5741 <[e-mail]>
Subject:      cute

A bear and a rabbit were in the woods next to each other going to the
bathroom.  The bear was huge next to the rabbit.  When they were done, the
bear looked down at the rabbit and said "Excuse me Mr. Rabbit but out of
curiosity, do you have problems with poop sticking to your fur?"  "why
certainly not!"  Mr. Rabbit replied.  So the bear picked up the rabbit and
wiped his but with him.   :)
=========================================================================
Date:         Wed, 22 Dec 1993 08:22:00 PST
Reply-To:     Cox Terry 5741 <[e-mail]>
Sender:       UGA Humor List <[e-mail]>
From:         Cox Terry 5741 <[e-mail]>
Subject:      offensive to harelips

A little boy was out trick or treating.  This boy had a little problem in
that he had a harelip and his speech was hard to understand.  He went up to
a door and range the bell.  A nice old lady comes out and looks at the boy.
 He says"  drick or dreat!"  and holds up his bag.  The old lady says"Why
aren't you cute, and what are you supposed to be?" as she dumps candy in his
bag.  "A birate!"  the boy replies.  "A what?" she asks.  "A birate!"  He
says again.  "well you're so cute, let me get my husband out here to see
you".  So she yells into the house"George, George come out and see this cute
little boy!"  So George folds up his paper and comes to the door.  "Well
aren't you cute, what are you supposed to be?"  asks George.  "A birate"
 the little boy says again.  "A what?" says George, "A birate!!!" the little
replies again.  "Oh, a pirate says George, well where are your buccaneers?"
 Asks George.  And the boy reaches up and grabs his ears and says "right
here!"  and them puts his hand over his eyes and says "Where are your buccan
eyes?"
=========================================================================
Date:         Wed, 22 Dec 1993 12:02:12 -0400
Reply-To:     "ORLANDO \"Doc\" GRIEGO" <[e-mail]>
Sender:       UGA Humor List <[e-mail]>
From:         "ORLANDO \"Doc\" GRIEGO" <[e-mail]>
Subject:      Signs & Notices Pt. 3

Some more signs and notices written in English that were discovered throughout
the world:

1. In a Paris hotel elevator:
        Please leave your values at the front desk.

2. In a Bangkok dry cleaners:
        Drop your trousers here for best results.

3. Outside a Hong Kong tailer shop:
        Ladies may have a fit upstairs.

4. On the menu of a Polish hotel:
        Salad a firm's own make; limpid red beet soup with cheesy dumplings
        in the form of a finger; roasted duck let loose; beef rashers beaten
        up in the country people's fashion.

5. In a Swiss mountain inn:
        Special today--no ice cream.

6. In a Tokyo bar:
        Special cocktails for the ladies with nuts.
=========================================================================
Date:         Wed, 22 Dec 1993 15:57:00 -0600
Reply-To:     LAURIE ROACH 715-232-1898 <[e-mail]>
Sender:       UGA Humor List <[e-mail]>
From:         LAURIE ROACH 715-232-1898 <[e-mail]>
Subject:      Farmer joke (Vulgar)

Why did the farmer cross the road?
















Because his dick was in the chicken!


I got that from my MOTHER!

Laurie Roach
[e-mail]
=========================================================================
Date:         Wed, 22 Dec 1993 10:20:10 PT
Reply-To:     Lowell Irwin <[e-mail]>
Sender:       UGA Humor List <[e-mail]>
Comments:     CO1      PSHLW    12/22/93 10:20:45 SSW1
From:         Lowell Irwin <[e-mail]>
Subject:      Michael Jackson

  Know what this is?


   ___                   ___
  |   |                 |   |
  |   |                 |   |
  '---'                 '---'
    |                     |
--------- _         _ ---------
    |    |_|       |_|    |
    |   -----     -----   |
   / \    |         |    / \
 /     \ / \       / \ /     \

Woody Allen and Michael Jackson on a double date.
=========================================================================
Date:         Wed, 22 Dec 1993 13:48:44 -0500
Reply-To:     "Jeff Fowler, SAI Biological Devt., Palo Alto,
              CA" <[e-mail]>
Sender:       UGA Humor List <[e-mail]>
From:         "Jeff Fowler, SAI Biological Devt., Palo Alto,
              CA" <[e-mail]>
Subject:      Western joke

[Parts of this are borrowed from a nicely-phrased joke posted last week by:
        Len Freedman <[e-mail]>
 I couldn't resist recylcing the lead-up]

>      The boys were whooping it up in the Star o'the West Saloon when a
>   cowpoke comes in though the swinging doors.  "Hey, everbody," he yells,
>   "Y'all better clear out!  I hear Big John's commin!"

>      The piano player stopped in mid-phrase and a collective gasp went
>   throught he room.  "Big John commin' here?  Jezuz! Better skedaddle!"
>   In less than a minute, the barroom was empty.  The news spread up and
>   down the street like wildfire: "Big John's Coming!"  Merchants pulled
>   in their stock, locked their doors, closed their shutters.  The people
>   of the town fled to the safety of their homes.  In no time, the main
>   streets of town were quiet and deserted.

>      A huge, mean-looking outlaw came riding in out of the desert on a
>   brahma bull.  He was seven foot tall if he was an inch; his legs were
>   like tree stumps and his hands were like five-pound hams.  He tied his
>   mount up in front of the saloon and stomped in and up to the bar.

>      "Barkeep!" he shouted, pounding his huge fist on the bar hard enough
>   to make the bottles dance.

>      The bartender came out from the back room. "Y-y-yessir?" he stammered.

>      "Gimme four fingers of Ol' Redeye," the big man demanded.

>      "Yessir, right away, Sir." the bartender said as, with trembling
>   hand, he poured the rotgut whiskey into a tumbler.

>      The big man knocked back the liquor in a second, then grabbed the
>   bottle and, tipping his head back, drained it in several large gulps.
>   Then he wiped his hand with the back of his sleeve.  "Mmmm," he growled,
>   "that was okay."

>      "It's on the house, sir!" the bartender said.

        "In that case I'll have the bottle," snarled the giant, and he
quickly slugged back the contents. After a few more bottles 'liberated'
from the bar, the giant was roaring drunk and staggered out to ride his
bull around town. But disaster! The bull was missing! He pulled a massive
rifle from his backpocket and yelled down the street "My bull better be
back here in 1 minute, or I'll have to do what I did in Carson City!"

        The townsfolk shook in their boots. It was as much as the
bartender could do to summon the courage to ask Big John "E-e-excuse
me sir. B-b-but, wh-wh-what happended in C-c-carson City?"

        "My god-damned bull went missing there too, and I had to
god-damned walk home."

Jeff    [e-mail]
                      *
           *      *       ^          *
               *         /|\   *
             *     *    //|\\     *
                         /|\ *
            *    *      //|\\    *      *       Happy Christmas
__________________________|_______________
=========================================================================
Date:         Wed, 22 Dec 1993 14:59:00 EST
Reply-To:     "Musat, Bob" <[e-mail]>
Sender:       UGA Humor List <[e-mail]>
From:         "Musat, Bob" <[e-mail]>
Subject:      100 ways to drive your roommate nuts  PART II

51. Cry a lot.
52. Send secret admirer notes on your roommate's blitzmail.
53. Clip your fingernails and toenails and keep them in a baggie. Leave the
baggie near your computer and snack from it while studying. If he/she walks
by, grab the bag close and eye him/her suspiciously.
54. Paste used kleenexes to his/her walls.
55. Whenever your roomate comes in from the shower, lower your eyes and
giggle to yourself.
56. If you get in before your roomate, go to sleep in his/her bed.
57. Put pornos under his/her bed. Whenever someone comes to visit your
roommate when they're not home, show them the magazines.
58. Whenever you go to sleep, start jumping on your bed . . . do so for a
while, then jump really high and act like you hit your head on the ceiling.
Crumple onto your bed and fake like you were knocked out . . . use this
method to fall asleep every night for a month.
59. If your roommate goes away for a weekend, change the locks.
60. Whenever his/her parents call and ask for your roommate, breathe into
the phone for 5 seconds then hang up.
61. Whenever he/she goes to shower, drop whatever you're doing, grab a
towel, and go shower too.
62. Find out your roommate's post office box code. Open it and take his/her
mail. Do this for one month. After that, send the mail to him/her by UPS.
63. Collect all of your pencil shavings and sprinkle them on the floor.
64. Create an imaginary cat for a pet. Talk to it every night, act like
you're holding it, keep a litter box under your desk. After two weeks, say
that your cat is missing. Put up signs in your dorm, blame your roommate.
65. Call safety & security whenever your roommate turns up his/her music.
66. Follow him/her around on weekends.
67. Sit on the floor and talk to the wall.
68. Whenever the phone rings, get up and answer the door.
69. Whenever someone knocks, answer the phone.
70. Take his/her underwear. Wear it.
71. Whenever your roommate is walking through the room, bump into him/her.
72. Stare at your roommate for five minutes out of every hour. Don't say
anything, just stare.
73. Tell your roommate that someone called and said that it was really
important but you can't remember who it was.
74. Let mice loose in his/her room.
75. Give each of your walls a different name. Whenever you can't answer a
problem, ask each of your walls. Write down their responses, then ask your
ceiling for the final answer. Complain to your roommate that you don't trust
your ceiling.
76. Take your roommate's papers and hand them in as your own.
77. Skip to the bathroom.
78. Take all of your roommate's furniture and build a fort. Guard the fort
for an entire weekend.
79. Gather up a garbage bag full of leaves and throw them in a pile in
his/her room. Jump in them. Comment about the beautiful foilage.
80. When you walk into your room, turn off your lights. Turn them on when
you leave.
81. Print up satanic signs and leave them in your room where he/she can find
them.
82. Whenever you're on the phone and he/she walks in, hang up immediately
without saying anything and crawl under your desk. Sit there for two minutes
than call whoever it was back.
83. Insist on writing the entire lyrics to American Pie on your ceiling
above your bed. Sing them every night before you go to bed.
84. Use a bible as kleenex. Yell at your roommate if they say Jesus or
Godammit.
85. Burn incense.
86. Eat moths.
87. Buy Sea Monkeys and grow them. Name one after your roommate. Announce
the next day that that one died. Name another one after your roommate. The
next day say that it died. Keep this up until they all die.
88. Collect Chia-Pets.
89. Refuse to communicate in anything but sign language.
90. Eat a bag of marshmellows before you go to bed. The next day, spray
three bottles of whipped cream all over your floor. Say you got sick.
91. Wipe deodorant all over your roommate's walls.
92. If you know that he/she is in the room, come barging in out of breath.
Ask if they saw a fat bald naked Tibetan man run through carrying a hundred
dollar bill. Run back out swearing.
93. Leave apple cores on his/her bed.
94. Keep feces in your fridge. Complain that there is never anything to eat.
95. Piss in a jar and leave it by your bed. When your roommate isn't
looking, replace it with a jar of apple juice. Wait until your roommate
turns around.  Drink it.
96. Don't ever flush.
97. Buy an inflatable doll. Sleep with it.
98. Hang stuffed animals with nooses from your ceiling. Whenever you walk by
them mutter, "You shouldn't have done that to me."
99. Lick him/her while they are asleep.
100. Dress in drag.
=========================================================================
Date:         Wed, 22 Dec 1993 14:15:09 -0600
Reply-To:     Sheri Saville <[e-mail]>
Sender:       UGA Humor List <[e-mail]>
From:         Sheri Saville <[e-mail]>
Subject:      Re: Christmas Carol Parodies - Wanted
In-Reply-To:  <[e-mail]>

On Fri, 17 Dec 1993, G.BOCCANFUSO wrote:
>
> Could someone post the words to "Walkin' 'Round in Women's Underwear" sung
> to Walking in A Winter Wonderland.
> ...

Did I miss it, or has anyone posted this to the list yet!  I am really
interested in seeing it!

Please! Please!

sheri
[e-mail]
=========================================================================
Date:         Thu, 23 Dec 1993 10:38:19 NZST-12
Reply-To:     Jon White <[e-mail]>
Sender:       UGA Humor List <[e-mail]>
From:         Jon White <[e-mail]>
Organization: Manukau Polytechnic
Subject:      10 COMMANDMENTS FOR TECHNICIANS

10 Commandments for Technicians

-- -- -- -- -- -- -- -- -- -- -- -- -- -- --


1. Beware the lightning that lurketh in the undischarged capacitor, lest
it cause thee to bounce upon thy buttocks in a most un technicianlike
manner.

2. Cause thou the switch that supplieth large quantities of juice to be
opened and thus tagged, that thy days in this Earthly vale of tears be
long.

3. Prove to thyself that all circuits that radiateth and upon which thou
toil are grounded and thusly tagged lest they lift thee unto radio
heaven

4. Tarry thou not amongst those fools that engageth in intentional
shocks, for they are surely non believers and are not longeth for this
world.

5. Take care that thou useth the proper method when thou taketh the
measure of a high voltage circuit, lest thou incinerate both thyself and
thy meter.

6. Take care thou tampereth not with interlocks and safety devices, for
this incurreth the wrath of thy supervisor and bringeth the fury of the
safety inspector upon thy head and about thy shoulders.

7. Toil not thou on energized equipment, for if thou so doest, thy fellow
workers will surely buy beers for thy widow and console her
otherwise.

8. Service thou equipment not alone, for electrical cooking is a slothful
process and thou mine sizzle in thine own juices for hours upon a hot
circuit before thy maker sees fit to end thy misery.

9. Trifle thou not with radioactive tubes and substances lest thou
commenceth to glow in the dark liketh a lightning bug and thy wife
hath no further use for thee except for thy wages.

10. Causeth thou to be tagged all modifications made by thee upon
equipment lest thy successor teareth out his hair and goeth slowly
mad in his attempt to decide what manner of creature madeth a nest
in the wiring of such equipment.

Jon White
Network Administrator
Manukau Polytechnic
Auckland, New Zealand
=========================================================================
Date:         Wed, 22 Dec 1993 14:48:51 PST
Reply-To:     "Michael J. Irvin, WSU, 509/335-0437" <[e-mail]>
Sender:       UGA Humor List <[e-mail]>
From:         "Michael J. Irvin, WSU, 509/335-0437" <[e-mail]>
Subject:      Packwood vs. Qualyle Spelling Contest

Subject: Packwood vs. Quayle Spelling Contest

Bob Packwood challenged Dan Quayle to a spelling contest, thinking he
would be an easy winner.  But Packwood LOST!  It seems he thought
"harass" was two words.


Regards,                                       The "OTHER" Washington
                                           ____________________________
Michael J. Irvin                           \   /\/\             /\  /\|
Computer Services Consultant    P   ______  |  /\/\               /\  |
Information Technology          aO \      / \   /\          Spokane + |
Washington State University     cc \  /\ \   |+Seattle                |
Pullman, WA 99164-1222          ie  |  /\ \ /    /\                   |
U.S.A.                          fa   \     |     /\                   |
                                in   |          /\      Pullman/WSU->*|
Telephone: [phone]         c     \        /\          ____________\
BITNet:   IRVINMJ@WSUVM1               ----\   /\    _____/
Internet: [e-mail]        \-------/
=========================================================================
Date:         Wed, 22 Dec 1993 15:17:00 PST
Reply-To:     "Michael J. Irvin, WSU, 509/335-0437" <[e-mail]>
Sender:       UGA Humor List <[e-mail]>
From:         "Michael J. Irvin, WSU, 509/335-0437" <[e-mail]>
Subject:      Packwood on the move

Subject: Packwood on the move

Have you heard that Senator Bob Packwood is moving to Washington State?
Yes, it seems that he heard that Senator Patty Murray's seat was up for grabs!


Regards,                                       The "OTHER" Washington
                                           ____________________________
Michael J. Irvin                           \   /\/\             /\  /\|
Computer Services Consultant    P   ______  |  /\/\               /\  |
Information Technology          aO \      / \   /\          Spokane + |
Washington State University     cc \  /\ \   |+Seattle                |
Pullman, WA 99164-1222          ie  |  /\ \ /    /\                   |
U.S.A.                          fa   \     |     /\                   |
                                in   |          /\      Pullman/WSU->*|
Telephone: [phone]         c     \        /\          ____________\
BITNet:   IRVINMJ@WSUVM1               ----\   /\    _____/
Internet: [e-mail]        \-------/
=========================================================================
Date:         Wed, 22 Dec 1993 21:53:25 EST
Reply-To:     "[e-mail]" <[e-mail]>
Sender:       UGA Humor List <[e-mail]>
From:         "[e-mail]" <[e-mail]>
Subject:      Save Money at the Barber  (G Rated)

Barber:    A haircut is ten dollars.  A shave is three dollars.
Customer:  O.K., shave my head.

Berton M Corson  --  Northridge, California  USA  --  [e-mail]
=========================================================================
Date:         Wed, 22 Dec 1993 19:59:45 -0800
Reply-To:     [e-mail]
Sender:       UGA Humor List <[e-mail]>
From:         Robert Martin <[e-mail]>
Subject:      may be offensive to Clintonites

The 23rd Qualm

Bill Clinton is my shepherd that I do not want.
He maketh many lies about green pastures; He leadeth me beside still factories.
He restoreth no faith: he leadeth me in the path of covetousness for His
name's sake.
Yea, though I walk through the valley of the shadow of debt, I will fear much
evil; for He is with me; Hillary's Rod and her staff won't insure me.
He preparest a tax table before me to give presents to mine enemies; He
annointest my wages with withholding; my expense runneth over my income.
Surely poverty and need shall follow me all the days of His administration;
and I will dwell in a subsidized HUD house for ever.


My father (Robert B. Martin, Jr.) wrote this.  I though the Internet would
enjoy it.

Rob
=========================================================================
Date:         Thu, 23 Dec 1993 07:36:54 -0500
Reply-To:     JOHN VOGEL <[e-mail]>
Sender:       UGA Humor List <[e-mail]>
From:         JOHN VOGEL <[e-mail]>
Subject:      Letterman on the Trump wedding

From:   SMTP%"[e-mail]" 22-DEC-1993 23:49:39.00
To:     JVOGEL
CC:
Subj:   Top Ten List for 12/21/93

Date: Wed, 22 Dec 1993 22:42:53 -0600
Message-Id: <[e-mail]>
Reply-To: [e-mail]
Originator: [e-mail]
Sender: [e-mail]
Precedence: list
From: "Brian Peek, w/ A. Rauch (CABBS)" <[e-mail]>
To: Multiple recipients of list <[e-mail]>
Subject: Top Ten List for 12/21/93
X-Listprocessor-Version: 6.0a -- ListProcessor by Anastasios Kotsikonas
X-Comment: Late Show with David Letterman Top Ten Lists

---> December 21, 1993 <---

=============================================
Top Ten Things Overheard At The Trump Wedding
=============================================

10. "Mother Theresa -- Nipsey Russel; Nipsey Russel -- Mother Theresa."
 9. "What do you mean my credit's no good here?  I'm the groom!"
 8. "Wow, Boutros Boutros-Ghali can really put away the Rob Roys!"
 7. "That pre-nuptial agreement is signed, right?  Okay, then I do."
 6. "On no, Liz Taylor caught the bouquet!"
 5. "I'm sorry, but there is no more cake, Mr. Limbaugh."
 4. "How much longer before I get half of everything?"
 3. "Whose turn is it to heimlich Sharpton?"
    (After reading number 3, Dave's Christmas tree says, "Number 3 sucks!")
 2. "Look at Letterman alone on the couch chugging egg nog!"
    (A clip is shown of Dave sitting on a couch drinking egg nog from a punch
    bowl)
 1. "It's Ivana and she's got a steak knife!"
=========================================================================
Date:         Thu, 23 Dec 1993 08:11:03 -0500
Reply-To:     Michael G Kapfer <[e-mail]>
Sender:       UGA Humor List <[e-mail]>
From:         Michael G Kapfer <[e-mail]>
Subject:      Mis-definition

Claustrophobia  -  fear of Santa
=========================================================================
Date:         Thu, 23 Dec 1993 10:15:00 -0500
Reply-To:     Martha Stanley <[e-mail]>
Sender:       UGA Humor List <[e-mail]>
From:         Martha Stanley <[e-mail]>
Subject:      ridiculously clean chicken

This is too clean.  Tell it to your kids or to folks who like to hurl.

Why did the chicken cross the playground?
To get to the other slide!

(I sent this once and it bounced.  Let's see if it works this
time.....maybe someone was trying to tell me something...)

...................on a chilly day such as today.....................
............don't you just rejoice that you are a mammal?.............
[e-mail] (Martha Stanley, Tallahassee, Florida)
........The best way to have a good idea is to have lots of ideas first!
=========================================================================
Date:         Thu, 23 Dec 1993 09:37:34 CST
Reply-To:     CC931CC <[e-mail]>
Sender:       UGA Humor List <[e-mail]>
Comments:     Resent-From: CC931CC <CC931CC@TCUAMUS>
Comments:     Originally-From: [e-mail]
From:         CC931CC <[e-mail]>
Subject:      Christmas questionaire

I tried to post this yesterday, but it didn't go.  Hope all enjoy.

Wendy Meagher
cc931cc@tcuamus
------------------------------- Original Message -------------------------------
1.  Which author described St. Nick's clothing, weight and sleigh in his
    book "Knickerbocker's New York?"
2.  Who starred in "White Christmas" with Bing Crosby?
3.  Name three actors who played Scrooge in the movies.
4.  What did George Bailey find in his pocket in "It's a Wonderful Life?"
5.  What did Natalie Wood want for Christmas in "Miracle on 34th Street?"
6.  The Simpsons get their dog on Christmas.  What is it's name?
7.  Where and when was the first Christmas Seal sent?
8.  What's the most popular color Christmas after Bing Crosby's "White
    Christmas?"
9.  Who was the Grinch's voice in "How the Grinch Stole Christmas?"
10. What was the Grinch's dog's name?
11. How strong did the Grinch get?
12. What's the most commercially successful Christmas film of all time?
13. Which reindeer isn't one of the originals?
14. Who created Rudolph?
15. What horror film drew protests when it depicted a homicidal ax-murdered
    dressed as Santa Claus?
16. Name three poisonous plants associated with the holiday.
17. What was the name of the angel in "The Bishop's Wife?"
18. What was the name of the angel in "It's A Wonderful Life?"
19. Name Santa's reindeer, not including Rudolph.
20. On the 11th day of Christmas, what did my true love give to me?
21. Name five movies with the word "Christmas" in the title.
22. Who's the littlest Who in Whoville?
23. Name the artist who first drew the Santa we recognize today.
24. Who narrated the classic television show "Frosty the Snowman?"
25. Who supplied the voice of the snowman-narrator on the television special
    "Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer?"
26. Who invented the art of giving Christmas presents?
27. Name the Three Wise Men, also known as the Three Magi.
28. What did the Three Wise Men give to the baby Jesus?
29. What are frankincense and myrrh?
30. How did Xmas become an abbreviation for Christmas?
31. Who is Santa's brother?
32. What is Santa Claus called in Japan?
33. Who sang "Santa Baby" before Madonna?
34. What's black and white and red all over?
35. What time of the year did Mel Torme co-write "The Christmas Song?"
36. When was Jesus born?
37. Why is Christmas celebrated on December 25?
38. What is Old Christmas?
39. When were artificial Christmas trees invented?
40. How many eggs are there in 8 quarts of eggnog?
41. What town did Clement C. Moore, the author of "'Twas the Night Before
    Christmas," live in?
42. What present does Rosemary Clooney's character get at the end of "White
    Christmas?"
43. Who prohibited Christmas in America?
44. Where did the custom of decorating the house with greenery come from?
=========================================================================
Date:         Thu, 23 Dec 1993 09:38:22 CST
Reply-To:     [e-mail]
Sender:       UGA Humor List <[e-mail]>
Comments:     Resent-From: CC931CC <CC931CC@TCUAMUS>
Comments:     Originally-From: [e-mail]
From:         CC931CC <[e-mail]>
Subject:      Christmas questionaire

1.  Which author described St. Nick's clothing, weight and sleigh in his
    book "Knickerbocker's New York?"
2.  Who starred in "White Christmas" with Bing Crosby?
3.  Name three actors who played Scrooge in the movies.
4.  What did George Bailey find in his pocket in "It's a Wonderful Life?"
5.  What did Natalie Wood want for Christmas in "Miracle on 34th Street?"
6.  The Simpsons get their dog on Christmas.  What is it's name?
7.  Where and when was the first Christmas Seal sent?
8.  What's the most popular color Christmas after Bing Crosby's "White
    Christmas?"
9.  Who was the Grinch's voice in "How the Grinch Stole Christmas?"
10. What was the Grinch's dog's name?
11. How strong did the Grinch get?
12. What's the most commercially successful Christmas film of all time?
13. Which reindeer isn't one of the originals?
14. Who created Rudolph?
15. What horror film drew protests when it depicted a homicidal ax-murdered
    dressed as Santa Claus?
16. Name three poisonous plants associated with the holiday.
17. What was the name of the angel in "The Bishop's Wife?"
18. What was the name of the angel in "It's A Wonderful Life?"
19. Name Santa's reindeer, not including Rudolph.
20. On the 11th day of Christmas, what did my true love give to me?
21. Name five movies with the word "Christmas" in the title.
22. Who's the littlest Who in Whoville?
23. Name the artist who first drew the Santa we recognize today.
24. Who narrated the classic television show "Frosty the Snowman?"
25. Who supplied the voice of the snowman-narrator on the television special
    "Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer?"
26. Who invented the art of giving Christmas presents?
27. Name the Three Wise Men, also known as the Three Magi.
28. What did the Three Wise Men give to the baby Jesus?
29. What are frankincense and myrrh?
30. How did Xmas become an abbreviation for Christmas?
31. Who is Santa's brother?
32. What is Santa Claus called in Japan?
33. Who sang "Santa Baby" before Madonna?
34. What's black and white and red all over?
35. What time of the year did Mel Torme co-write "The Christmas Song?"
36. When was Jesus born?
37. Why is Christmas celebrated on December 25?
38. What is Old Christmas?
39. When were artificial Christmas trees invented?
40. How many eggs are there in 8 quarts of eggnog?
41. What town did Clement C. Moore, the author of "'Twas the Night Before
    Christmas," live in?
42. What present does Rosemary Clooney's character get at the end of "White
    Christmas?"
43. Who prohibited Christmas in America?
44. Where did the custom of decorating the house with greenery come from?
=========================================================================
Date:         Thu, 23 Dec 1993 09:38:48 CST
Reply-To:     [e-mail]
Sender:       UGA Humor List <[e-mail]>
Comments:     Resent-From: CC931CC <CC931CC@TCUAMUS>
Comments:     Originally-From: [e-mail]
From:         CC931CC <[e-mail]>
Subject:      CHRISTMAS ANSWERS (TRADITIONAL)

1.  Washington Irving of Tarrytown, NY.
2.  Danny Kaye, Vera-Ellen, Rosemary Clooney.
3.  Alistair Sim, George C. Scott, Reginald Owen, Albert Finney, Sir Seymour
    Hicks, Michael Caine...
4.  Zuzu's petals.
5.  A house.
6.  Santa's Little Helper.
7.  Denmark, 1904.
8.  Elvis Presley's "Blue Christmas."
9.  Boris Karloff.
10. Max.
11. The strength of 10 men, plus two.
12. "Home Alone."
13. Rudolph.
14. Songwriter Johnny Marks.
15. "Silent Night, Deadly Night," 1984.
16. Mistletoe, poinsettia, holly.
17. Dudley.
18. Clarence.
19. Dasher, Dancer, Prancer, Vixen, Comet, Cupid, Donner, Blitzen.
20. 11 ladies dancing.
21. "A Christmas Carol," (1938, '51, '84), "Christmas in Connecticut," (1945),
    "Christmas in July," (1940), "A Christmas Story," (1983),
    "Christmas Mountain," (1980), "Christmas Eve," (1947)...among others.
22. Cindy Lou Who.
23. Thomas Nast.
24. Jimmy Durante.
25. Burl Ives.
26. The Three Wise Men (Easter Kings).
27. Gaspar, Melchior, Balthazar.
28. Gold, Frankincense, and Myrrh.
29. Both are fragrant gum resins from various Arabian and North African trees.
    They are used as incense and for making perfume.
30. Commonly used in 16th century Europe to mean "Christ's Mass," Xmas derives
    from the Greek word for Christ, Xristos. Some also believe the "X"
    originally was a cross, symbol of Christianity, used as prefix to mass.
31. In Pennsylvania Dutch and French traditions he's called Bells Nichols,
    and his one workday each year is New Year's Eve.  Legend has it Bells
    visits every home and, if an empty plate is left out leaves behind
    cookies and cakes.
32. Santa Kurosu or Ojisan or Grandfather Santa Claus.
33. Eartha Kitt.
34. Santa coming down the chimney.
35. Summer.
36. The actual day of his birth is not known. But around the middle of the
    second century some Christians began celebrating it on December 25, even
    though the date was not officially recognized by the church as Christ's
    birthday until much later.
37. A pagan festival known as the "Day of the Invincible Sun" was celebrated
    on that date and since the Bible refers to Jesus as the "Sun of
    Righteousness," his birthday celebration seemed to be a natural
    replacement.
38. January 6, the first day on which Christmas was observed for centuries by
    many Christians.
39. Imitation trees go back at least to the mid-1800s, when German glassmakers
    made trees of brightly colored feathers in order to display their
    ornaments year-round.
40. One dozen.
41. Ossining, NY.
42. A knight on horseback.
43. For a brief period, the pilgrims did, believing that the tree, feasting and
    merriment were pagan and should be replaced with a solemn day of
    churchgoing.
44. The Romans decorated home with greenery during the holiday of Saturnalia,
    though they probably didn't use evergreen. When Christianity became the
    official religion of Rome, they celebrated Christ's birth at the same
    time.
=========================================================================
Date:         Thu, 23 Dec 1993 09:39:25 CST
Reply-To:     [e-mail]
Sender:       UGA Humor List <[e-mail]>
Comments:     Resent-From: CC931CC <CC931CC@TCUAMUS>
Comments:     Originally-From: [e-mail]
From:         CC931CC <[e-mail]>
Subject:      CHRISTMAS ANSWERS (HUMOROUS)

1.  Hugh Hefner of Playboy fame from Tarrytown, NY.
2.  Jerry Lewis and Dean Martin.
3.  Alistair Sim, Jeanclaude Van Damme, Sir Seymour Hickes, Ernest,
    Michael Caine...
4.  Zuzu's lint.
5.  A new boat.
6.  Dammit.
7.  Sea World, Orlando Florida 1982.
8.  Marilyn Monroe's Platinum Christmas.
9.  Michael Jackson.
10. Dopey.
11. As strong as Soloflex.
12. "Silent Night, Deadly Night"
13. Pluto.
14. Ghost Riders of the Purple Sage.
15. "It's a Wonderful Life".
16. Mesquite, scrub oaks and mistletoe.
17. Moon Unit.
18. Bubba.
19. Grumpy, Dopey, Sleepy, Doc, Sneezy, Happy, Sleazy, Bashful.
20. 11 Toms a peeping.
21. "A Christmas Boot," (1938, '51, '84), "Christmas in Mifflin, Texas,"
    (1945), "Christmas in a Car," (1940), "Debbie Does Christmas,"
    (1983), "Christmas Molehill ," (1980), "Christmas Adam & Eve,"
    (1947)...among others.
22. Who Cares.
23. Andy Warhol.
24. Mr. French.
25. Elvis.
26. Stanley Marcus.
27. Manny, Moe and Jack.
28. A bib, a pacifier and a Barney doll.
29. Two newest scents of "Summers' Eve".
30. Derived from the mutation of the word "EXCELLENT".
31. John Candy.
32. Quasimoto or Santa Craws.
33. Shirley Temple.
34. Newspaper.
35. Summertime.
36. In the night, 1 A.D.
37. Because that's when Christmas vacation starts.
38. When all the relatives drop by for egg nog.
39. At Target's grand opening, December 1, 1980.
40. Sixty four.
41. French Lick, Georgia.
42. A venereal disease.
43. Gumby.
44. Michael's MJDesigns.
=========================================================================
Date:         Thu, 23 Dec 1993 13:17:53 -0500
Reply-To:     [e-mail]
Sender:       UGA Humor List <[e-mail]>
From:         Thomas Rowe <[e-mail]>
Subject:      True line

I heard this last night and the teller swore it was true.  Well, maybe.  After
all, *somebody, somewhere* has to come up with clever quips.

Seems there were these two high school students who were really into chess.
All they thought about or did was chess.  They were having one of their usual
discussions in the Presbyterian Church when the minister happened by.  Later,
he remarked to someone else that they had "two chess nuts boasting in an open
foyer."  Pretty good, if true.
=========================================================================
Date:         Thu, 23 Dec 1993 13:58:10 EST
Reply-To:     [e-mail]
Sender:       UGA Humor List <[e-mail]>
From:         Carl Woodin <[e-mail]>
Subject:      Bar Joke - Mildly Offensive

The following might be considered tasteless and not politically correct:

A guy walks into a bar.  He spots a woman at the other end.  He says to the
bartender, "Hey, give that douchbag a drink, on me."

The bartender responds, "That's very degrading and nasty."

The guy says, "Just give that douchbag a drink from me."

The bartender goes over to the woman and says, "The guy at the other end of
the bar would like to buy you a drink.  What'll you have?"

The woman responds, "Oh, vinegar and water would be nice."
=========================================================================
Date:         Thu, 23 Dec 1993 17:34:00 CDT
Reply-To:     Bonjour a Tous <[e-mail]>
Sender:       UGA Humor List <[e-mail]>
From:         Bonjour a Tous <[e-mail]>
Subject:      French humor

Hey...
     did you hear the one about Mme. and M. Enfant of Marseille?
They had twin daughters last year on Christmas Eve and named them
Irene and Ludivine...you know, Irene et Ludivine Enfant!
     Get it?

     (courtesy Karine Mariani, CAUSERIE)




////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////
Jennifer Friedman          School of Library and Information Studies
415 W. Gilman #508         Helen C. White Hall, UW-Madison campus
Madison, WI 53703          Internet: [e-mail]
[phone]             Bitnet: jfriedmn@wiscmacc
\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\
=========================================================================
Date:         Fri, 24 Dec 1993 02:36:00 EDT
Reply-To:     ELLIE <[e-mail]>
Sender:       UGA Humor List <[e-mail]>
From:         ELLIE <[e-mail]>
Subject:      Request for fortune cookie jokes

Does anyone have any unusual, funny, thought-provoking and/or etc. fortune
cookie type messages?   Thanks!  Ellie
=========================================================================
Date:         Fri, 24 Dec 1993 08:12:16 -0500
Reply-To:     JOHN VOGEL <[e-mail]>
Sender:       UGA Humor List <[e-mail]>
From:         JOHN VOGEL <[e-mail]>
Subject:      Letterman PG-13 adult content list

Subject: Top Ten List for 12/23/93
X-Listprocessor-Version: 6.0a -- ListProcessor by Anastasios Kotsikonas
X-Comment: Late Show with David Letterman Top Ten Lists

---> December 23, 1993 <---
========================================
Top Ten Christmas Movies In Times Square
========================================

10. The Stocking Stuffer
 9. Prancer and Dancer Meet Lancer
 8. Live On Stage!  Bob Cratchitt and Mrs. Cratchitt Doing It!
 7. The Night the Grinch Stole a Guy's Wallet on the D Train
 6. Up Santa's Chimney
    (Santa was sitting in the audience, and after Dave read this one, Santa
    yelled, "Screw you, Letterman!" and left the theater)
 5. Miracle on 69th Street
 4. Frosty the Butt Man
 3. Rotating Pies
    (Dave had clips of a rotating pie display from a diner playing all evening)
 2. The Nutcrackers
 1. That Ain't Egg Nog!


----------------------------------------------------------------
And Merry Christmas to you -- One and all!
=========================================================================
Date:         Fri, 24 Dec 1993 10:23:20 -0500
Reply-To:     Lee Bradley <[e-mail]>
Sender:       UGA Humor List <[e-mail]>
From:         Lee Bradley <[e-mail]>
Subject:      ribald humor

        HOW THE ANGEL CAME TO BE ON TOP OF THE CHRISTMAS TREE

                another "JUST SO" story


There had been so snow during the entire month of December.  The elves in
the bicycle department had been on strike since October, and now there was
the possibility that the elves in the doll department might join them.

Daily life at the North Pole was not pleasant, and Santa Claus was in a
pretty foul mood.  Mrs. Claus was suffering from arthitis and was very mad
over the fact that her red velvet cake had fallen in the oven.  Santa had
tried to round up some extra helpers, but with no snow, they weren't able
to make it by sleigh to the workshop.

Rudolph had a bad cold, and his nose wouldn't light up.  Comet and Prancer
were fighting over Vixen, who had just come into heat.  Blitzen's right
foreleg was still in a cast, and the vet said that they would have to wait
until 24 December to decide if Blitzen would be able to pull the sleigh.

The electricity went off, and all the power tools came to a stop.  There
was NOTHING going right in Santa's workshops.  The helpers were about
three weeks behind in their work,and it didn't look that all the toys
would be ready by Christmas Ege. Santa's foul mood was exacerbated a bad
case of hemorrhoids, and he wasn't too happy about the possibility of
having to ride so far on Christmas Eve.

Seeing the terrible state of affairs at the North Pole chez Santa, the
angels took up an offering to buy a gift for the unhappy workers and the
Clauses - something that would brighten their Christmas.  They chose a
Christmas tree, and they sent it down by an angel.

The angel burst into the workshop room and asked,

"HEY, WHERE DO YOU WANT ME TO PUT THIS TREE?"

_______
Merry Christmas.
Pray for peace on earth as we in the USA enjoy luxuries and even basic
necessities that are denied to so many others throughout the world.
We can be grateful for all we have, especially the gift of humor.
=========================================================================
Date:         Fri, 24 Dec 1993 19:13:57 EST
Reply-To:     "[e-mail]" <[e-mail]>
Sender:       UGA Humor List <[e-mail]>
From:         "[e-mail]" <[e-mail]>
Subject:      After Christmas Advice  (G Rated)

Albert:   Aren't we going to exchange Christmas presents this year?

Tipper:   I don't know about you, but I always exchange mine.

Berton M Corson
Northridge, California  USA
[e-mail]
=========================================================================
Date:         Fri, 24 Dec 1993 22:54:22 -0500
Reply-To:     Paul Robinson <[e-mail]>
Sender:       UGA Humor List <[e-mail]>
From:         Paul Robinson <[e-mail]>
Subject:      Re: Virus Warning Signs

From: Paul Robinson <[e-mail]>
Organization: Tansin A. Darcos & Company, Silver Spring, MD USA
-----
[e-mail] writes in
the Games-L list <[e-mail]>:

> Subject:  Virus Warning Signs
>
> Hi all,
>         Some individuals wanted to know what the warning signs were
> of a virus.  I talked to one of the presentors in my class and he
> gave me the following list:
>
>         -Operations seem sluggish
>         -Programs take longer to load
>         -Programs access multiple disk drive where they didn't
>          before
>         -Programs conduct disk access at unusual times or with
>          increased frequency
>         -Available disk space decreases rapidly
>         -The number of bad disk sectors steadily increase
>         -The amount of available RAM suddenly or steadily decreases
>         -Programs encounter errors where they didn't before
>         -Files are replaced with garbled data

This isn't a virus list!  It's the description of what happens when
you install Microsoft Windows!

---
Paul Robinson - [e-mail]
Voted "Largest Polluter of the (IETF) list" by Randy Bush <[e-mail]>
-----
The following Automatic Fortune Cookie was selected only for this message:

Every man is as God made him, ay, and often worse.
                -- Miguel de Cervantes
=========================================================================
Date:         Fri, 24 Dec 1993 20:19:00 PST
Reply-To:     JEFF BAUMAN <[e-mail]>
Sender:       UGA Humor List <[e-mail]>
From:         JEFF BAUMAN <[e-mail]>
Subject:      too much holiday cheer

<mid 1970's Phyllis Diller / HBO Special joke:>

"Fang was coming home from a party the other night in a taxi."

"He asks the driver if he has room in the front seat for a pizza and a
six-pack"

"The driver says, 'Sure'"

"So Fang leans over the seat and throws up."

_______________
Happy holidays!

_/\_
 jb
=========================================================================
Date:         Fri, 24 Dec 1993 23:17:26 -0800
Reply-To:     [e-mail]
Sender:       UGA Humor List <[e-mail]>
From:         Robert Martin <[e-mail]>
Subject:      Christmas Greetings

First off, Merry Christmas to all.  I've enjoyed the laughs over the year and
hope it continues during the next.


Secondly, the following joke is offensive to asians.


















How do you know when you're house has been broken into by Asians?



The dog and cat are missing, and your kid's homework is done.


Rob Martin
[e-mail]
=========================================================================
Date:         Sat, 25 Dec 1993 11:52:54 +0300
Reply-To:     [e-mail]
Sender:       UGA Humor List <[e-mail]>
From:         Mo Mirzaa <[e-mail]>
Subject:      Poletics Joke (Offensive to Dictators)

Well, this may not be easy, but I will try to explain the background to
the best of my ability. You see, in the middle east it is usual to give
nicknames to men as father of .... (the name of the first son). So if
you have a son named Tom then people will call father of Tom, etc...
Now in Syria, the current president who is well known butcher and
ruthless dictator used to be known as father of Suliaman in spite of
the fact that his son's name was Basil. However, lately, he directed
his aides to call him father of Basil and to encourage everyone to do
the same. Now, here is the joke:
A Syrian man returned to Syria after a very long time, and at the
airport he was extremely scared of the security guards that check
passports. So he started chanting: long live father of Sulieman, long
live father of Sulieman. He, of course, was hoping that this will give
the impression that he is pro Assad. However, when one of the security
men said to him: don't say father of Sulieman, say father of Basil,
the man smiled happily and responded: Why, what happened to the other
ASS HOLE !
Here is another joke, but this one is about Golf.
Tom was playing golf with his friends, so at the thirteen's tee, the
first one teed off, then the second, meanwhile, Tom was practicing his
swing. When his turn came, Tom approached the ball and was about to
swing when all of a sudden, he stood in total attention and took his
hat off his head and put near his heart. "What is the matter, Tom"
His friends asked. "there is a funeral passing by" Tom answered. "We
did not know that you have this much respect for the dead" His friends
said. "Well, you see, it is my wife's" Tom said while swinging the club.
=========================================================================
Date:         Sat, 25 Dec 1993 14:22:00 PST
Reply-To:     JEFF BAUMAN <[e-mail]>
Sender:       UGA Humor List <[e-mail]>
From:         JEFF BAUMAN <[e-mail]>
Subject:      double trouble

------------
A fellow found himself in prison--he was not alone; to relieve the
boredom, each night after dinner before going back to their cells,
prisoners would tell jokes; the problem: too many prisoners, and not
enough time; so, to give everyone a chance, a number was assigned to
each joke; one fellow would stand up and say, "1243"; everyone would
laugh; the next guy gets up, says, "9882"; everybody laughs; Prisoner
#1 gets up, says "9402";

             <<<                [ENDING # 1]            >>>

mostly silence, a little polite laughter; "I don't understand it!" says
Prisoner #1; Prisoner #2 says, "Well, some people can tell a joke, and
some people can't!"

             <<<                [ENDING # 2]            >>>

everybody laughs : except for this one guy; he falls off his seat
laughing; he can't stop; chuckles; guffaws, roars with laughter; he's
asked, "Hey man, what's the matter?"; he replies--between giant belly
laughs--"I NEVER HEARD THAT ONE BEFORE!"
-------------------
_/\_
 jb
=========================================================================
Date:         Sat, 25 Dec 1993 21:31:27 EST
Reply-To:     "[e-mail]" <[e-mail]>
Sender:       UGA Humor List <[e-mail]>
From:         "[e-mail]" <[e-mail]>
Subject:      Alaskan Pun (G Rated)  Berton M Corson

What do you call an eye doctor who lives on an island in the Bering Sea?

An optical Aleutian.


Berton M Corson  --  Northridge, California  USA  --  [e-mail]
=========================================================================
Date:         Sun, 26 Dec 1993 14:35:00 CDT
Reply-To:     Bonjour a Tous <[e-mail]>
Sender:       UGA Humor List <[e-mail]>
From:         Bonjour a Tous <[e-mail]>
Subject:      Re: French Humor (explanation)

     For those who were curious about the French pun I sent earlier...

"Irene et Ludivine Enfant", twins born last Christmas:
If you pronounce their names in French, as above, it sounds like the title
of a popular French Christmas carol, "Il Est Ne, Le Divine Enfant"
("He Is Born, The Holy Child").  But obviously not everyone would know
how to pronounce these names in French, or be familiar with French Christmas
carols!
     Sorry, everyone.

     jennifer in Madison
=========================================================================
Date:         Sat, 25 Dec 1993 20:49:40 -0500
Reply-To:     Martha Stanley <[e-mail]>
Sender:       UGA Humor List <[e-mail]>
From:         Martha Stanley <[e-mail]>
Subject:      clean chicken

This is too clean.  Tell it to your kids or to folks who like to hurl.

Why did the chicken cross the playground?
To get to the other slide!

(I sent this once and it bounced.  Let's see if it works this
time.....maybe someone was trying to tell me something...)


On  a chilly day such as today, aren't you glad you're a mammal?

[e-mail] (Martha Stanley, Tallahassee, Florida)
The  best way to have a good idea is to have lots of ideas first!
=========================================================================
Date:         Sun, 26 Dec 1993 21:55:38 -0700
Reply-To:     Doug Brunelle <[e-mail]>
Sender:       UGA Humor List <[e-mail]>
From:         Doug Brunelle <[e-mail]>
Subject:      Re: Alaskan Pun (G Rated) Berton M Corson
In-Reply-To:  <[e-mail]>

Did you hear about the Optician who fell into his lens-grinding machine?

He made a spectacle of himself..

Doug Brunelle                                [e-mail]
10412 N. 73rd Ave.                                   voice:
Peoria, AZ 85345                                [phone]
=========================================================================
Date:         Sun, 26 Dec 1993 23:16:32 EDT
Reply-To:     Dan Hotopp <tron!ami1.bwi.wec.com![e-mail]>
Sender:       UGA Humor List <[e-mail]>
From:         Dan Hotopp <tron!ami1.bwi.wec.com![e-mail]>
Organization: Antenna/Microwave/Integration WEC
Subject:      'twas the night before Xmas (crude).

'Twas the night before Christmas, and boy was it neat.
The kids were both gone, and my wife was in heat.
   The doors were all bolted, the phone off the hook,
It was time for some nooky, by hook or by crook.
   Momma in her teddy and I in the nude,
Had just hit the bedroom and reached for the lube.
   When out on the lawn there arose such a cry,
That I lost my boner, and momma went dry.
   Up to the window I sprang like an elf,
Tore back the shade while she played with herself.
   The moon on the crest of the snowman we'd built,
Showed a broom up his ass, clean up to the hilt.
   When what to my wondering eyes should appear,
But a rusty old sleigh and eight mangy reindeer.
   With a fat little driver, half out of the sled,
A sock in his ear and a bra on his head.
   Sure as I'm speaking, he was high as a kite,
And he yelled to his team, but it didn't sound right.
   Whoa Shithead, whoa Asshole, whoa Stupid, whoa Putz,
Either slow down this rig or I'll cut off your nuts.
   Look out for the lamp post, and don't hit the tree,
Quit shaking the sleigh, 'cause I gotta go pee.
   They cleared the old lamp post, the tree got a rub,
Just as Santa leaned out and threw up on my shrub.
   And then from the roof we heard such a clatter,
As each little reindeer now emptied his bladder.
   I was donning my jock, to cover my ass,
When down the chimmney Santa came with a crash.
   His suit was al smelly with perfume galore,
He looked like a bum and smelled like a whore.
   "That was some brothel," he said with a smile,
"The reindeer are pooped, and I'll just stay awhile"
   He walked to the kitchen for himself poured a drink,
Then whipped out his pecker and pissed in the sink.
   I started to laugh, my wife smiled with glee,
The old boy was hung nearly down to his knee.
   Back in the den, Santa reached in his sack,
But his toys were all gone, and some new things were packed.
   The first thing he found was a pair of false tits,
The next was a handgun with a penis that spits.
   A box filled with condoms was Santa's next find,
And six pair of panties, the edible kind.
   A bra without nipples, a penis extension,
And several more things I shouldn't even mention.
   A french tickler, a G-string, and all types of oil,
And a dildo so long that it lay in a coil.
   "This stuff ain't for kids, Mrs. Santa will shit,
So I'll leave 'em here, and then I'll just split."
   He filled every stocking and then took his leave,
With one tiny butt plug stuck under his sleeve.
   He sprang to his sleigh, but his feet were like lead,
Thus he fell on his ass and broke wind instead.
   In time he was seated, took reigns of his hitch,
Saying,"Take me home, Rudolf. This night's been a bitch!"
   The sleigh was near gone when we heard Santa shout,
"The best thing about pussy is you can't wear it out!!"
=========================================================================
Date:         Sun, 26 Dec 1993 23:03:49 -0700
Reply-To:     Doug Brunelle <[e-mail]>
Sender:       UGA Humor List <[e-mail]>
From:         Doug Brunelle <[e-mail]>
Subject:      Re: Alaskan Pun (G Rated) Berton M Corson
In-Reply-To:  <[e-mail]>

On Sun, 26 Dec 1993, Doug Brunelle wrote:

> Did you hear about the Optician who fell into his lens-grinding machine?
                         ^^^^^^^^
Oops, I think that was supposed to be Optometrist. Oh well, I'm just bored
enough to reply to my own messsage.. :-)
>
> He made a spectacle of himself..
>
> Doug Brunelle                                [e-mail]
> 10412 N. 73rd Ave.                                   voice:
> Peoria, AZ 85345                                [phone]



Doug Brunelle                                [e-mail]
10412 N. 73rd Ave.                                   voice:
Peoria, AZ 85345                                [phone]
=========================================================================
Date:         Fri, 24 Dec 1993 21:20:41 LCL
Reply-To:     [e-mail]
Sender:       UGA Humor List <[e-mail]>
From:         Roger Ellis <[e-mail]>
Subject:      HAIRLIP JOKE

    I saw a recent "Hair-Lip" joke here on the humor list and it brought
    back a fond memory.  I lost a very close friend to cancer about this
    time last year.  He used to tell a very funny "hair-lip" joke.  The
    joke itself may not seem all that funny but his impersonation of a man
    with a hair-lip was hilarious.  I thought it would be a nice tribute
    to share his joke with others so I am posting it here on the Humor Digest.
    REST IN PEACE, Eddie.  This world really misses your wonderful gift for
    making other people laugh.  I think about you often and really miss
    your friendship.

                        "THE TOOTH BRUSH SALESMAN"

    A young man with a rather serious "hair-lip" speech impediment graduated
    from high school and was anxious to get a job.  He lived in a very small
    town and the only good jobs were at a local factory that manufactured
    tooth brushes.

    He was finally able to get an appointment with the personnel director and
    when the personnel director asked him what type of work he was interested
    in, he replied: "I wan ta beee a sealesmnn (salesman)".  The personnel
    director did not want to embarrass the young man but he felt certain that
    he would not be successful in a salesman's position due to his rather
    severe speech impediment.

    The personnel director suggested that maybe the young man was better
    suited for warehouse work or perhaps driving a truck but the young man
    remained insistent. "No, I wan ta beee a sealesmnn".  After several
    attempts to change the young man's mind without success, the personnel
    director said, "OK I'll give you an opportunity to prove to me that you
    can be a salesman".

    The personnel director went into a back room and returned with a box of
    tooth brushes that had not passed inspection and were going to be thrown
    away.  He gave the box to the young man and told him "Here, if you are able
    to sell these tooth brushes, I will give you a job as a salesman".  The
    young man was very happy and said "I cun do iit, yul snee" as he left the
    office.  The personnel director figured that it would be the last that he
    ever saw of the young man because he was certain that nobody could sell
    those broken tooth brushes.

    Well, a few days later, the young man came back into the office and threw
    a fistful of money down on the personnel director's desk and said "Snee, I
    toll you I culld snell dem tuff bruses, heres yor munnee".  The personnel
    director was surprised and very skeptical.  "I don't believe that you were
    able to sell all of those tooth brushes.  I'll bet that you just took that
    money out of your savings account in order to get the job".

    "No, No," responded the hair-lip. "I soold em, I soold ev'ry tuff bruss".
    After going back and forth for several minutes, the personnel director
    told the young man that before he would hire him as a salesman he
    would have to explain to him just how he was able to sell all of those
    rejected tooth brushes.

    "Well" said the young man. "I went to this party you see".  And they had
    this very long table set up that was full of food.  I stood at the end of
    the table right next to the CHIP DIP bowl.  As people would pick up a
    potato chip and dip it into the dip they would say "Ewwww, this taste like
    Shit" and I would say, "It is shit, wanna buy a tooth brush".
=========================================================================
Date:         Thu, 23 Dec 1993 18:06:00 EST
Reply-To:     "Shirley D. Kennedy [phone]" <[e-mail]>
Sender:       UGA Humor List <[e-mail]>
From:         "Shirley D. Kennedy [phone]" <[e-mail]>
Subject:      NOEL (clean, sentimental...)

--Boundary (ID n6Ajb6IFjEJ1mxS/sNVuOQ)
Content-type: TEXT/PLAIN


--Boundary (ID n6Ajb6IFjEJ1mxS/sNVuOQ)
Content-type: MESSAGE/RFC822

Date: Thu, 23 Dec 1993 18:04:00 EST
From: "Shirley D. Kennedy"@mr.firn.edu
Subject: Re: Noel! (fwd)
Content-type: TEXT/PLAIN
Posting-date: Thu, 23 Dec 1993 00:00:00 EST
A1-type: DOCUMENT

To all my virtual friends on HUMOR, for all the laughter (and flames)
we've shared this year.  May 1994 bring many more.

                        ...............
                   .,;;;;;''''''''''';;;;;,.
               .,;;;;;''      .a@@@@@@,``;;;;;
            .;;;;;''  .a'    .@@@` .@@@,;;;'`;;;;;
          .;;;;''     a@a.  .@@@ ,@@@.;;;'    ``;;;;
        .;;;;'        `@@@@@@@@@@@'.;;;'         `;;;;
       .;;;;'             .@@@'  .;;;'            `;;;;
       ;;;;;             .@@@' .;;;'               ;;;;;
       ;;;;;            .@@@'.;;;'                 ;;;;;
       ;;;;;           .@@@.;;;'                   ;;;;;
       `;;;;,   a@@@a..@@.;;;'                    ,;;;;'
        `;;;;, @@    a@.;;;'         'a.         ,;;;;'
          `;;;;,@@@@'.;;;'@@        ,a@@      .,;;;;'
            `;;;;;;,;;;' `@@@aaaaaaa@@@'  .,;;;;;;'
               ``;;;;;;,   `@@@@@@@@@' ,;;;;;;''
                   ``;;;;;,,,,,,,,,,,;;;;;''
                       ````````````````


Shirl
[e-mail]
Information Age columnist
St. Petersburg (FL) Times

--Boundary (ID n6Ajb6IFjEJ1mxS/sNVuOQ)--
=========================================================================
Date:         Tue, 28 Dec 1993 07:23:34 -0500
Reply-To:     JOHN VOGEL <[e-mail]>
Sender:       UGA Humor List <[e-mail]>
From:         JOHN VOGEL <[e-mail]>
Subject:      Letterman top 10 list

X-Comment: Late Show with David Letterman Top Ten Lists

---> December 27, 1993 <---
===================================
Top Ten Signs It's Cold In New York
===================================

10. Pickpockets put hands in strangers' pockets to keep warm
 9. You can walk across frozen East River, and see dozens of mob informants
    beneath you
 8. Taxi drivers wear turbans with ear flaps
 7. Mike Wallace and Morley Safer are constantly hugging
 6. The hookers have on long-johns
 5. Chemicals that make up the Hudson River have congealed into a thick
    greenish paste
 4. Whenever a bike messenger gets hit by a cab, he shatters into a million
    tiny pieces
 3. Headline in New York Post:  Man Stabbed in Midtown for CBS Earmuffs
    (Dave dialed up the bank of pay phones down the street from the theater
    and had two people run down to meet him inside.  Because of the cold,
    he gave one of them a set of earmuffs with the CBS logo on each ear)
 2. You can see people's breath when they yell "Screw you!"
 1. Everyone's wearing pants
=========================================================================
Date:         Tue, 28 Dec 1993 09:16:46 EST
Reply-To:     [e-mail]
Sender:       UGA Humor List <[e-mail]>
From:         Linda Poole <[e-mail]>
Subject:      Risque Little Old Lady Joke

There was this guy who really took care of his body. He lifted weights and
jogged 6 miles every day. One morning he was admiring his body in the mirror
and noticed that he was suntanned all over his body with the exception of his
beautiful penis. He decided to do something about it.

He went to the beach and completely undressed and buried himself in the sand
with the exception of his penis, which he left sticking out.

Two little old ladies were strolling on the beach, one using a cane. Upon
seeing the penis sticking out of the sand, she" began to move it around with
her cane, remarking to the other little old lady, "There really is no justice
in the world."

"What do you mean?" the other little old lady replied.

The first little old lady answered, "Look at that! When I was 20 I was curious
about it; when I was 30 I enjoyed it; when I was 40 I asked for it; when I was
50 I paid for it; when I was 60 I prayed for it; when I was 70 I forgot about
it; and now that I'm 80 the damn things are growing wild and I'm too old to
squat!!!"



(thanks to Karen Voshell who sent this to me! -- Miss P)
=========================================================================
Date:         Tue, 28 Dec 1993 09:36:25 -0500
Reply-To:     Richard Tkachuck <[e-mail]>
Sender:       UGA Humor List <[e-mail]>
From:         Richard Tkachuck <[e-mail]>
Subject:      Happy Holidays (fwd)

 Christmas Poem

 'Twas the night before Christmas and Santa's a wreck...
 How to live in a world that's politically correct?
 His workers no longer would answer to "Elves",
 "Vertically Challenged" they were calling themselves.
 And labor conditions at the north pole
 Were alleged by the union to stifle the soul.
 Four reindeer had vanished, without much propriety,
 Released to the wilds by the Humane Society.
 And equal employment had made it quite clear
 That Santa had better not use just reindeer.
 So Dancer and Donner, Comet and Cupid,
 Were replaced with 4 pigs, and you know that looked stupid!
 The runners had been removed from his sleigh;
 The ruts were termed dangerous by the E.P.A.
 And people had started to call for the cops
 When they heard sled noises on their roof-tops.
 Second-hand smoke from his pipe had his workers quite frightened.
 His fur trimmed red suit was called "Unenlightened."
 And to show you the strangeness of life's ebbs and flows,
 Rudolf was suing over unauthorized use of his nose
 And had gone on Geraldo, in front of the nation,
 Demanding millions in over-due compensation.
 So, half of the reindeer were gone; and his wife,
 Who suddenly said she'd enough of this life,
 Joined a self-help group, packed, and left in a whiz,
 Demanding from now on her title was Ms.
 And as for the gifts, why, he'd ne'er had a notion
 That making a choice could cause so much commotion.
 Nothing of leather, nothing of fur,
 Which meant nothing for him. And nothing for her.
 Nothing that might be construed to pollute.
 Nothing to aim. Nothing to shoot.
 Nothing that clamored or made lots of noise.
 Nothing for just girls. Or just for the boys.
 Nothing that claimed to be gender specific.
 Nothing that's warlike or non-pacific.
 No candy or sweets...they were bad for the tooth.
 Nothing that seemed to embellish a truth.
 And fairy tales, while not yet forbidden,
 Were like Ken and Barbie, better off hidden.
 For they raised the hackles of those psychological
 Who claimed the only good gift was one ecological.
 No baseball, no football...someone could get hurt;
 Besides, playing sports exposed kids to dirt.
 Dolls were said to be sexist, and should be passe;
 And Nintendo would rot your entire brain away.
 So Santa just stood there, disheveled, perplexed;
 He just could not figure out what to do next.
 He tried to be merry, tried to be gay,
 But you've got to be careful with that word today.
 His sack was quite empty, limp to the ground;
 Nothing fully acceptable was to be found.
 Something special was needed, a gift that he might
 Give to all without angering the left or the right.
 A gift that would satisfy, with no indecision,
 Each group of people, every religion;
 Every ethnicity, every hue,
 Everyone, everywhere...even you.
 So here is that gift, it's price beyond worth...
 "May you and your loved ones enjoy peace on earth."

 Notice:  This poem is copyright 1992 by Harvey Ehrlich.  It is free to
 distribute, without changes, as long as this notice remains intact.
 All follow-ups, requests, comments, questions, distribution rights, etc
 should be made to  [e-mail] .  Happy Holidays!
=========================================================================
Date:         Tue, 28 Dec 1993 16:44:27 +0100
Reply-To:     Nico Verboven <[e-mail]>
Sender:       UGA Humor List <[e-mail]>
From:         Nico Verboven <[e-mail]>
Subject:      court humor ( clean

Most  language  is  spoken  language,  and most words, once they are
uttered, vanish forever into the air.  But such is not the case with
language spoken during courtroom trials, for there exists an army of
courtroom reporters whose job it  is to take down and preserve every
statement made during the proceedings.

Q.  Now, Mrs. Johnson, how was your first marriage terminated?
A.  By death.
Q.  And by whose death was it terminated?

Q.  What is your name?
A.  Ernestine McDowell.
Q.  And what is your marital status?
A.  Fair.

Q.  Are you married?
A.  No, I'm divorced.
Q.  And what did your husband do before you divorced him?
A.  A lot of things I didn't know about.

Q.  Do you know how far pregnant you are right now?
A.  I will be three months November 8th.
Q.  Apparently then, the date of conception was August 8th?
A.  Yes.
Q.  What were you and your husband doing at that time?

Q.  Doctor, how many autopsies have you peformed on dead people?
A.  All my autopsies have been performed on dead people.

Q.  What happened then?
A.  He told me, he says, "I have to kill you because you can
    identify me."
Q.  Did he kill you?
A.  No.


THE COURT: Now, as we begin, I must ask you to banish all present
information and prejudice from your minds, if you have any.

Q.  You say you had three men punching at you, kicking you, raping you,
    and you didn't scream?
A.  No ma'am.
Q.  Does that mean you consented?
A.  No, ma'am.  That means I was unconscious.

Q.  Did he pick the dog up by the ears?
A.  No.
Q.  What was he doing with the dog's ears?
A.  Picking them up in the air.
Q.  Where was the dog at this time?
A.  Attached to the ears.

Q.  When he went, had you gone and had she, if she wanted to and were
    able, for the time being excluding all the restraints on her not
    to go, gone also, would he have brought you, meaning you and she,
    with him to the station?
MR. BROOKS: Objection.  That question should be taken out and shot.
--
--------------------------[ Words Of Wisdom ]------------------------------
A man said to the Universe: "Sir, I exist!"

"However," replied the Universe, "the fact has not created in
me a sense of obligation."

Stephen Crane
---------------------------------------------------------------------------

+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+
| Nico Verboven               | UIA  University of Antwerp in Belgium     |
| 1e Lic. informatica         | ethernet: [e-mail]          |
+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+
=========================================================================
Date:         Tue, 28 Dec 1993 14:35:14 EST
Reply-To:     [e-mail]
Sender:       UGA Humor List <[e-mail]>
From:         Joe Mole <[e-mail]>
Subject:      Personal ad <poem>

Two For The Price Of One by Benny Andersson and Bjorn Ulvaeus

He had what you might call a trivial occupation
He cleaned the platforms of the local railway station
With no romance in his life
Sometimes he wished he had a wife
He read the matrimonial advertising pages
The cries for help from different people, different ages
But they had nothing to say
At least not until the day
When something special he read
This is what it said:

If you dream of the girl for you
Then call us and get two for the price of one
We're the answer if you feel blue
So call us and get two for the price of one
If you dream of the girl for you
  (If you are dreaming of someone who might be right for you)
Then call us and get two for the price of one
  (Why don't you call us and you'll get two for the price of one)
We're the answer if you feel blue
  (We may be the answers to your problem, a chance with we two)
So call us and get two for the price of one
  (Why don't you call us and you'll get two for the price of one)

He called the number and a voice said, "Alice Whiting"
The voice was husky and it sounded quite exciting
He was amazed at his luck
The purest streak of gold he'd struck
He said, "I read your ad, it sounded rather thrilling
I think a meeting could be mutually fulfilling
Why don't we meet for a chat
The three of us in my flat
I can't forget what I read"
This is what it said:

If you dream of the girl for you
Then call us and get two for the price of one
We're the answer if you feel blue
So call us and get two for the price of one
If you dream of the girl for you
  (If you are dreaming of someone who might be right for you)
Then call us and get two for the price of one
  (Why don't you call us and you'll get two for the price of one)
We're the answer if you feel blue
  (We may be the answers to your problem, a chance with we two)
So call us and get two
  (Why don't you call us and you'll get two)
For the price of one...

She said, "I'm sure we must be perfect for each other
And if you doubt it you'll be certain when you meet my mother"
=========================================================================
Date:         Tue, 28 Dec 1993 16:01:01 EST
Reply-To:     [e-mail]
Sender:       UGA Humor List <[e-mail]>
From:         Sara Rummelhart <[e-mail]>
Subject:      Penis envy <sexuality in poetic form>

Penis Envy by Uncle Bonzai

If I had a penis I'd wear it outside
In cafes and carlots with pomp and with pride
If I had a penis I'd pamper it proper
I'd stay in the tub and use me as a stopper
If I had a penis I'd take it to parties
Stretch it and stroke it and shout it at smarties
I'd take it to pet shows and teach it to stay
I'd stuff it in turkeys on Thanksgiving Day

I'd rival my buddies in sportscars and stickshifts
I'd shower my spire with girlies and gifts
I'd peek around corners
I'd aim at my toilet
I'd poke it at foreigners
And soap it and oil it
If I had a penis I'd run to my mother
Comb out the hair and compare it to brother
I'd lance her, I'd knight her, my hands would endulge
Pants would seem tighter and buckle and buldge

A penis to plunder, a penis to push
Cause one in the hand is worth one in the bush
A penis to love me, a penis to share...
To pick up and play with when nobody's there

I'd sit like a guy, I'd straddle my chair
I'd play with my fly, albeit with care
I'd dip it in chocolate, I'd stick it in sockets
Go to the movies with hands deep in pockets
I'd stick it in vacuums on french verandas
Gas-guzzling bottles and poodles and pandas
And puddles and drain pipes and doggies and ditches,
Poolhalls and potholes and bottles and bitches...

Zucchinies and zebras, tomatoes, tomatoes,
And pineapple pumpkins, and gulches and gratoes,
And mellons and marshmellows...

Gloves and gorillas
Slurpies and slippers
Chinooks and chinchillas...

A penis to plunder, a penis to push
Cause one in the hand is worth one in the bush
A penis to love me, a penis to share...
To pick up and play with when nobody's there

If I had a penis, I'd climb every mountain
I'd force it on females
I'd pee like a fountain...

If I had a penis I'd still be a girl,
But I'd make much more money and conquer the world.
=========================================================================
Date:         Tue, 28 Dec 1993 16:07:02 EST
Reply-To:     Bill <[e-mail]>
Sender:       UGA Humor List <[e-mail]>
From:         Bill <[e-mail]>
Subject:      Medical talk in the courtroom

Mary Louise Gilman has collected many hilarious courtroom bloopers in two
books - Humor in the Court and More Humor in the Court.

 > > >
     Q.  Doctor, did you say he was shot in the woods?
     A.  No, I said he was shot in the lumbar region.
 > > >
     Q.  How did you happen to go to Dr. Cherney?
     A.  Well, a gal down the road had had several of her children
         by Dr. Cherney, and said he was really good.
 > > >
     Q.  Doctor, how many autopsies have you peformed on dead people?
     A.  All my autopsies have been performed on dead people.

If you need any assistance with your HUMOR account, write me privately.

Remember if you ever find your account set to index, I'm the one who
did it (I do that when mail errors are coming from an account; that protects
me from receiving an overwhelming number of error messages).

Don't take it personally. Ask yoursmail manager if there has been or is
a problem at your site. Once the problem is resolved reset your mail
option as you like. Best wishes, Bill

Bill Edwards, HUMOR listowner, [e-mail] (uga.cc.uga.edu)
===================================================================
Tips on controlling your HUMOR mail: If your subscription is from a
BITNET site, address mail or commands to <[e-mail]>; all
others should use the INTERNET address <[e-mail]>. To
request special assistance, write the listowner. Humor should be
sent to HUMOR@... To control your mail send LISTSERV@... the command
SUB HUMOR Firstname Lastname, if you want to subscribe; SET HUMOR
MAIL, if you want to receive mail as it is posted; SET HUMOR DIGEST
if you want to receive HUMOR once a day; SET HUMOR INDEX, if you
only want to receive the DIGEST table of contents (you can download
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to LISTSERV@... Never reply-to DIGEST or INDEX as that reply will
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the LISTSERV from your registered address. If that address changes,
you will need to change it here--if you want automatic services
from LISTSERV@... Enjoy the humor; encourage good contributions!
=========================================================================
Date:         Tue, 28 Dec 1993 19:32:46 EST
Reply-To:     [e-mail]
Sender:       UGA Humor List <[e-mail]>
From:         Sim Webster <[e-mail]>
Subject:      Quotation for 1993 (Am political humor)

The State of American political rhetoric:

"The plan is really a Doctor Kevorkian prescription for the jobs of American
working men and women." Rep. Richard Armey, R-Texas, on the Clinton health
care proposal.

At a congressional hearing Armey pledged to Hillary Clinton to make the health
care debate exciting. Mrs. Clinton replied, "I'm sure you will do that, you
and Doctor Kevorkian."

"If you think health care is expensive now, wait until it's free." humorist
P.J. O'Rourke.

"The people of the 5th district of Georgia did not send me here to sell them
out for a mess of pottage <sic> and 30 <sic> pieces of silver." Democratic
Rep. John Lewis, saying no to NAFTA.

Understatement of the year: "I spun myself out of control." Republican
consultant Edward Rollins on his post-election statements about suppressing
black voter turnout in the New Jersey governor's race.

"If we're going to prepare them for what goes on in the front seat, we ought
to prepare them for goes on in the back seat." Surgeon General Joycelyn Elders
on driver's education and sex education.

"The scariest and the most dangerous part of (Endeavor space shuttle) mission
occurs this week, when the astronauts return to Florida and pick up their
rental cars." Jay Leno.

"You need three things to be a successful pundit: an inexhaustible supply of
effrontery, a short memory and the ability to spell the word 'Armageddon.'"
Canadian journalist Gynne Dyer. If that is so, then we don't have to worry
about Dan Quayle becoming a famous columnist.

But then there is Rush Limbaugh. "Do you ever wake up in the middle of the
night and just think to yourself, 'I am just full of hot gas?'" David
Letterman questioning Rush Limbaugh who was on Letterman's show promoting his
best-selling book *I Told You So*.

"I was not meant for the job or the spotlight of public life in Washington.
Here, ruining people is considered sport." From Vincent Foster's suicide note,
White House deputy counsel at the time.
=========================================================================
Date:         Wed, 29 Dec 1993 12:05:19 EST
Reply-To:     [e-mail]
Sender:       UGA Humor List <[e-mail]>
From:         David D'Abrosca <[e-mail]>
Subject:      Typical blonde joke

Why did 17 blondes go to the movie theatre?

^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^

Because they heard no one under seventeen was admitted.
=========================================================================
Date:         Wed, 29 Dec 1993 14:17:45 MST
Reply-To:     P=[e-mail]
Sender:       UGA Humor List <[e-mail]>
From:         Pat Creech <P=[e-mail]>
Subject:      Offensive to chickens

The Fried Chicken House is featuring a new diner.

 It's called the "HILLARY BOX"

You get two small breasts, two large thighs,
    and a lot of left wings.
=========================================================================
Date:         Wed, 29 Dec 1993 20:02:03 EST
Reply-To:     [e-mail]
Sender:       UGA Humor List <[e-mail]>
From:         Sara Rummelhart <[e-mail]>
Subject:      Polish & whorehouse jokes (2)

Guido walks into a bar and says to the bouncer, "Hey, you want to hear a
Polish joke?"

The bouncer says "Pal, I'm six foot two, 220 pounds, and I'm Polish.  See the
other bouncer?  He's six foot six, 270 pounds, and he's Polish.  See the
bartender?  Six foot seven, 290 pounds, and Polish.  Still want to tell me a
Polish joke?"

Guido says, "Sure.  But would you do me a favor?  Would you call them over
here?  I don't want to have to explain it three times."

Extra:

Sign on a whorehouse door: "Out to Lunch.  Beat it!"
=========================================================================
Date:         Wed, 29 Dec 1993 20:37:32 EST
Reply-To:     Bill <[e-mail]>
Sender:       UGA Humor List <[e-mail]>
From:         Bill <[e-mail]>
Subject:      Court talk <humorous questions & answers>

Mary Louise Gilman has collected many hilarious courtroom bloopers in two
books - Humor in the Court and More Humor in the Court.

     Q.  Officer, what led you to believe the defendant was under the
         influence?
     A.  Because he was argumentary and he couldn't pronunciate his words.
 > > >
     THE COURT: Now, as we begin, I must ask you to banish all present
                information and prejudice from your minds, if you have
                any.
 > > >
     Q.  When he went, had you gone and had she, if she wanted to and
         were able, for the time being excluding all the restraints on
         her not to go, gone also, would he have brought you, meaning
         you and she, with him to the station?
     MR. BROOKS: Objection.  That question should be taken out and shot.

Bill Edwards, HUMOR listowner, [e-mail] (uga.cc.uga.edu)
===================================================================
Tips on controlling your HUMOR mail: If your subscription is from a
BITNET site, address mail or commands to <[e-mail]>; all
others should use the INTERNET address <[e-mail]>. To
request special assistance, write the listowner. Humor should be
sent to HUMOR@... To control your mail send LISTSERV@... the command
SUB HUMOR Firstname Lastname, if you want to subscribe; SET HUMOR
MAIL, if you want to receive mail as it is posted; SET HUMOR DIGEST
if you want to receive HUMOR once a day; SET HUMOR INDEX, if you
only want to receive the DIGEST table of contents (you can download
articles separately); SET HUMOR NOMAIL if you only want posting
privileges or if you prefer to access HUMOR by downloading archived
files; or SIGNOFF HUMOR to leave this list. HUMOR is archived in
3000 line logs; to get log numbers, send the command INDEX HUMOR
to LISTSERV@... Never reply-to DIGEST or INDEX as that reply will
be posted to HUMOR with an invalid subject line. Since all
privileges on HUMOR are private to list members, you must address
the LISTSERV from your registered address. If that address changes,
you will need to change it here--if you want automatic services
from LISTSERV@... Enjoy the humor; encourage good contributions!
=========================================================================
Date:         Thu, 30 Dec 1993 08:51:36 -0500
Reply-To:     JOHN VOGEL <[e-mail]>
Sender:       UGA Humor List <[e-mail]>
From:         JOHN VOGEL <[e-mail]>
Subject:      Letterman top 10 duckhunting list

X-Comment: Late Show with David Letterman Top Ten Lists

=======================================================
Top Ten Things Overheard On Clinton's Duck Hunting Trip
=======================================================

10. "Will that wounded duck be eligible for your health care plan?"
 9. "Boy this is fun!  You now, it really ought to be easier for people to
    get guns."
 8. "Hi there, little feller!  Quack for Uncle Bubba."
 7. "It would be a shame if we accidentally downed a couple of big-mouthed
    state troopers."
 6. "You look great in that negligee.  By the way, Hillary thinks I'm duck
    hunting."
 5. "Mr. President, Domino's says they can't deliver to a duck blind."
 4. "Trust me, Roger, it'll be funny.  Just put on the duck hat and run
    around in the weeds."
 3. "When you're shooting, just think of them as Ross Perot."
 2. "Let's shoot Gore in the ass and see if he flinches."
 1. "Get me some coffee, Dukakis!"

--------------------------------------------------------------------------
=========================================================================
Date:         Thu, 30 Dec 1993 08:47:00 -05
Reply-To:     Irene LeBlanc <[e-mail]>
Sender:       UGA Humor List <[e-mail]>
From:         Irene LeBlanc <[e-mail]>
Subject:      Mind Slipping (Clean)

Note:  Could be offensive to the elderly although this was passed along
by a fellow in his late 60s.
It seems a husband and wife were talking to friends about their
frequent problem of forgetting things.  The friend shared that he just
wrote himself notes so that he wouldn't forget.  Later that evening,
the wife said, "I think I'll go fix us each a bowl of ice cream."  Her
husband replied, "Do you think you ought to write it down?"  She said,
"No, I think I can remember a simple bowl of ice cream."  Her husband
said, "Maybe you should write it down because I want whipped cream and
a cherry on mine."  "No," she said, "I can remember that."  "Well," he
said, "put chocolate sauce and nuts on mine also."  The wife was gone
for quite some time in the kitchen.  Finally, she returned with two
plates of bacon and eggs.  "See I told you that you should have written
it down,"said her husband, "you forgot the toast."
=========================================================================
Date:         Thu, 30 Dec 1993 10:52:55 -0500
Reply-To:     Bob Plested <[e-mail]>
Sender:       UGA Humor List <[e-mail]>
From:         Bob Plested <[e-mail]>
Subject:      whore house joke.
In-Reply-To:  <[e-mail]> from "Automatic
              digest processor" at Dec 30, 93 00:00:52 am

  A man steps up to a local houses of ill repute and turns the door knob.
Finding the door locked, he proceeds to pound on the door with his fists.
On of the ladies of the house opens the mail slot, peeks out and says
"What do you want?"
  "I want to get screwed" the man answers.
  "Ok, put 50 bucks here in the slot". He complies, she closes the mail
slot, he waits. And waits. And waits. Finally he starts pounding on the
door again. The lady returns. "What do you want?"
  "I WANT TO GET SCREWED!" he says.
  "What, again?"

bob
------------
Bob Plested                    [e-mail]
4950th Test Wing/FFXD              134.136.241.11
Wright-Patterson AFB, OH           [phone] DSN 787-6809

"I don't know what computer language engineers will be using 20
years from now, but I do know it will be called Fortran."
=========================================================================
Date:         Thu, 30 Dec 1993 13:23:13 EST
Reply-To:     [e-mail]
Sender:       UGA Humor List <[e-mail]>
From:         Robert Tenney <[e-mail]>
Subject:      may be offensive to Native-Americans

Here's another whore house joke:

An Indian has heard about having sex, but yet to experience it himself. So
he decides to go down to the local whore house and see what is was all about.

He walks up to the door and knocks.
The whore answers the door, "What can I do for you today?"

INDIAN:    "ME WANTA HAVE'M SEX'M!"
WHORE:     "Do you have any money???"
INDIAN:    "ME HAVE MUCH MONEY."
WHORE:     "Do you have any experience??"
INDIAN:    "NO, NO EXPERIENCE."
WHORE:     "Well, I tell you what.  Go up there on top of the hill to that big
            tall tree with the knothole in it.  Practice having sex on that for
            a while and then we'll talk."

The Indian agrees and goes to the hill.

A FEW DAYS LATER........

Indian knocks on the door.

WHORE:      "So you came back to see me???"
INDIAN:     "ME STILL WANTA HAVE'M SEX'M!"
WHORE:      "Do you have any money?"
INDIAN:     "ME STILL HAVE MUCH MONEY."
WHORE:      "Now do you have any experience??"
INDIAN:     "ME HAVE MUCH EXPERIENCE!"

The whore tells the Indian to come on inside the room and turns down the lights
She strips down naked and bends over the bed motioning for the Indian to come
closer.
The Indian moves closer...reaches in his back pocket, pulls out a big stick and
whops the whore right across the ass.

WHORE:      "Why in the HELL did you do that for!!!!"
INDIAN:     "ME CHECK'M FOR BEES."

________________________________________________________________________
|           EAST CAROLINA UNIVERSITY - HOME OF THE PIRATES!            |
|----------------------------------------------------------------------|
| ROBBIE W. TENNEY           | BITNET  : CSTENNEY @ECUVM1.BITNET       |
| COMPUTER OPERATIONS        | INTERNET: CSTENNEY @ECUVM.CIS.ECU.EDU   |
| EAST CAROLINA UNIVERSITY   | VAX     : CSTENNEY @ECUVAX.CIS.ECU.EDU  |
| GREENVILLE, NC  27858-4353 | USPS    : 121 RIVERBLUFF ROAD APT. #120 |
| [phone] (4PM - 12AM)|           GREENVILLE, NC 27858          |
|                            | TEL. #  : [phone]                |
|______________________________________________________________________|
=========================================================================
Date:         Thu, 30 Dec 1993 17:46:14 EST
Reply-To:     Bill <[e-mail]>
Sender:       UGA Humor List <[e-mail]>
From:         Bill <[e-mail]>
Subject:      Football joke

This humor was obtained...
From:    Richard Hudson <[e-mail]>
Subject: Football Story

The first- and second-string quarterbacks were out of the game
with injuries.  Only seconds were left and the team was behind by 4
points.  The coach had no choice but to go with big, dumb Clarence in the
QB slot.  In the closing seconds of the game, Clarence called the perfect
play and, lo and behold, the game was won!  The shocked and delighted
coach ran to Clarence and asked, "How did you know to call that play?"

Clarence explained, "Coach, I just looked up that big lineman,
No. 67.  I added 6+7 and got 14, so I called play No. 14!"

"You dummy," the coach exclaimed, 6+7 is not 14!"

"Gosh, coach," Clarence said, "if I was as smart as you, we'd have
lost that ballgame!"
=========================================================================
Date:         Fri, 31 Dec 1993 09:24:25 EST
Reply-To:     [e-mail]
Sender:       UGA Humor List <[e-mail]>
From:         Frank White <[e-mail]>
Subject:      Ethnic Humour

Here's another non-offensive ethnic joke to add to the collection.
Gregory Peck told this one during a TV interview.

Seems a Jewish gentleman and two Arab businessmen found themselves
seated three-abreast on an Air France flight to the United States.
The Jew, wishing to demonstrate he supported the new spirit of
cooperation, mentioned to the Arabs that he was going to the washroom
and could he get them something while he was up. In keeping with the
gracious tone of the gesture, the Arabs said yes, they would each
like an orange juice.

Moments after the Jew had left, the plane began its descent and the
pilot announced that they would soon be landing. One Arab noticed that
the Jew had removed his shoes during the flight and that they were still
right there on the floor. He nudged his friend and suggested that they
spit in the shoes. And they did, one large goober in each shoe.

The Jew returned with the juice, which the Arabs drank down in a gulp.
The Arabs thanked him profusely and then suggested that he put on his
shoes since the plane would soon be landing. Moments after he had slipped
his feet into his shoes, he felt the slime ooze over the soles of his feet.
He sat quietly for a minute, and then he turned to his Arab neighbours,
who could barely restrain their laughter, and he said in a soft, sorrowful
voice: "When will it all end, the hatred, the vengance, the killing,
the spitting in the shoes, the pissing in the orange juice!"
=========================================================================
Date:         Fri, 31 Dec 1993 11:28:02 EST
Reply-To:     Bill <[e-mail]>
Sender:       UGA Humor List <[e-mail]>
From:         Bill <[e-mail]>
Subject:      The young bull & the old bull <classic locker-room humor>

Two bulls were walking together down the trail, one old, the other young.
They came to a hilltop and down at the bottom of the hill in a large
pasture was a herd of cows.

The young bull got very excited and said to the old bull "Lets run down
the hill and f*ck one of them!"

The old bull calmly looked at his younger counterpart and said "Lets
walk down the hill and f*ck them all."
=========================================================================
Date:         Fri, 31 Dec 1993 13:11:11 [phone]
Reply-To:     Martha Stanley <[e-mail]>
Sender:       UGA Humor List <[e-mail]>
From:         Martha Stanley <[e-mail]>
Subject:      Jesus and Elvis (clean)

You may remember the comparisons made between Kennedy and Lincoln that
were so rampant in 1963 (surely you are that old?!).  Here is an
updated version on a slightly differnet topic:  Elvis and Jesus.

Jesus said, "Love thy neighbor."  Matthew 22:39
Elvis said, "Don't be cruel."  RCA, 1956.

Jesus is the Lord's shepherd.
Elvis dated Cybill Shepherd.

Jesus was part of the Trinity.
Elvis' first band was a trio.

Jesus walked on water.  Matthew 14.:25
Elvis surfed.  Blue Hawaii, Paramount, 1965

<SPACE>=next_page <ENTER>=next_line b=back_page q=quit h=help
Jesus was resurrect4ed.
Elvis had the famous 1968 "comeback" TV special.

Jesus said, "If any man thirst, let him come unto me and drink." John
7:37
Elvis said, "Drinks on me!"  Jailhouse Rock, MGM, 1957

Jesus fasted for 40 days and nights.
Elvis had irregular eating habits. (like 5 banana splits for breakfast)

Jesus in a Capricorn.  Dec. 25
Elvis is a Capricorn.  Jan. 8

Matthew was one of Jesus' many biographers. (Gospel according to
Matthew)
Neil Matthews was on of Elvis' many biographers. (Elvis: A golden
Tribute)

"[Jesus] countenance was like lightning, and his rainment white as
snow." (Matthew 28:3)
Elvis wore snow-white jumpsuits with lightning bolts.

Jesus live in a state of grace in a Near Eastern land.
<SPACE>=next_page <ENTER>=next_line b=back_page q=quit h=help
Elvis lived in Graceland in a nearly eastern state.

Mary, an important woman in Jesus' life, had an Immaculate Conception.
Priscilla, an important woman in Elvis' life, went to Immaculate
Conception High School.

Jesus was first and foremost the Son of God.
Elvis first recorded with Sun Studios, which today are still
considered to be his foremost recordings.

Jesus' father is everywhere.
Elvis' father was a drifter, and moved around quite a bit.

Jesus was a carpenter.
Elvis' favorite high school class was wood shop.

Jewsus wore a crown of thorns.
Elvis wore Royal Crown hair styler.

Jesus H. Christ has 12 letters.
Elvis Presley has 12 letters.

No one knows what the "H" in "Jesus H. Christ" stands for.
No one was really sure in Elvis' middle nas was "Aron" or "Aaron."

Jesus said, "Man shall not live by bread alone."
Elvis liked his sandwiches with peanut butter and bananas.



On  a chilly day such as today, aren't you glad you're a mammal?

[e-mail] (Martha Stanley, Tallahassee, Florida)
The  best way to have a good idea is to have lots of ideas first!
=========================================================================
Date:         Fri, 31 Dec 1993 13:33:09 -0500
Reply-To:     Lee Bradley <[e-mail]>
Sender:       UGA Humor List <[e-mail]>
From:         Lee Bradley <[e-mail]>
Subject:      Ribald grammar

A conventioneer from Nebraska was very excited about coming east to Boston
for the first time in his life.  He had heard that since he would be in an
area famous for its seafood, he should be sure to have some fresh scrod
while he was in town, so on the first evening, he went out of his hotel
and jumped into the cab that the doorman had pulled up for him:

"Where to, mac?" asks the cabbie.

"Take me where I can get scrod," answers the Nebraskan.

"Mister," says the cabbie, "I've been driving a hack in this town for 23
years, and that's the first time I ever heard that verb used in the
pluperfect subjunctive!"
=========================================================================
Date:         Fri, 31 Dec 1993 18:05:52 CST
Reply-To:     David Nasser <[e-mail]>
Sender:       UGA Humor List <[e-mail]>
From:         David Nasser <[e-mail]>
Subject:      On Feminine Hygiene

With apologies for my inherent, ingrained, hideous, and insidious
crudeness -:&&)):

***********************************************************************
The Ethereal Philosopher asks the Eternal Question:
"If Little Girls are made of Sugar and Spice and Everything Nice
 then why do they often taste like a Burrito Supreme?".
***********************************************************************

***********************************************************************
Queried the Jester:
"And how was it that the opening of Pandora's Box constituted such a
 disaster lo those many, many years ago?".
Replied the Muse:
"Owing to the fact that the douche' was not invented until long, long
 after Pandora's time".
***********************************************************************

***********************************************************************
The employees of the fish shop were very busy on Sunday morning
working in the back of the store preparing for the lunch crowd that
would arrive in a few hours. The front door was open for ventilation.
Not a soul could be seen from the street.

The old blind man ambled by the shop, tapping his cane as he went.
As he passed the front door, he stopped, turned toward the store,
tipped his hat, said "Why, good morning, ladies", and turned to walk
on down the road.
***********************************************************************

  'Appy New Year
  David


A brief (and unrelated) tribute:
"Man in a suit with a bow-tie neck
 Wanna buy a grunt with a third-party check ..."
    from "Willie The Pimp", Frank Zappa, 19xx-1993
=========================================================================
Date:         Sat, 1 Jan 1994 00:55:38 -0500
Reply-To:     [e-mail]
Sender:       UGA Humor List <[e-mail]>
From:         Robert Carta <[e-mail]>
Subject:      A Rooster's Life (Farm Humor)

A farmer had just introduced a new rooster into the hen house.
The old rooster was a little upset by this, because it meant that he
would soon meet his demise.
The old rooster approached the new rooster and said, "Listen, son.  If I
let you take over here, I'm bound to find my head on the chopping block.
I'll make a deal with you.  You can have all the young hens in this
hen house, as long as I can keep the two old ones over there in the
corner.  Then, that old farmer won't think I can't perform."
The new rooster said, "No way.  I'm a rooster and I must be king.  If
you can't perform any more, that's not my problem.  You'll just have to
get out of the way, old man."
The old rooster, pleading, said, "Well, I'll tell you what.  I'll give
you all the hens without a fight.  Just do me one last favor.  Let's
hold a race around the hen house, just so the farmer will see there's
still some life in me.  It might prolong my life just a little more."
The young rooster said, "O.K.  It can't hurt.  I'll give you a 10-length
handicap."
So, the roosters began to race around the barn.  The old rooster was
slow, and it didn't take long for those 10 lengths to disappear.  Just
as the two roosters were rounding the corner, the young rooster closed
in on the old rooster.
The farmer, watching from the porch, stood up, got his rifle, took aim,
and blew away the young rooster, exclaiming,
"Dag-Nabbit!  That's the 3rd gay rooster I bought this month!"

                                        Robert Carta
                                        [e-mail]
=========================================================================
Date:         Sat, 1 Jan 1994 11:10:42 EST
Reply-To:     Bill <[e-mail]>
Sender:       UGA Humor List <[e-mail]>
From:         Bill <[e-mail]>
Subject:      5 elephant jokes

This recollection of elephant jokes comes from
From:    Joseph Fusco <[e-mail]>
Subject: Elephants - I Just HAD to

     Q: How many elephants can you fit in a VW?
     A: Four.  Two in front, two in back.

     Q: How can you tell if you have an elephant in your fridge?
     A: All the Jell-o is gone

     Q: How can you tell if you have two elephants in your fridge?
     A: All the Jell-o is gone, and there's tracks in the butter

     Q: How can you tell if you have three elephants in your fridge?
     A: All the Jell-o is gone, there's tracks in the butter, and the roast
        is half eaten.

     Q: How can you tell if there are four elephants in your fridge?
     A: There's a VW parked out front.
=========================================================================
Date:         Sat, 1 Jan 1994 11:27:05 EST
Reply-To:     [e-mail]
Sender:       UGA Humor List <[e-mail]>
From:         Sara Rummelhart <[e-mail]>
Subject:      Crying too much <rude language>

Martha Hammer had just come bck from a garment-industry convention when
her secretary walked into her office. "Martha, you look awful. Are you
sick?"

"No, but it's a long story."

"So tell me."

"Well, the first night of the convention, I met this gorgeous hunk at the
bar," she explained. "Turns out he's a buyer who really likes our
products. One thing led to another and before you know it, we're back in
his room fucking our brains out."

"What's the big deal?"

"Nothing. But afterward, he sat in bed and started sobbing. See, he's
married with five kids at home. His crying got me thinking about my Harold
and our two kids. That's when I started bawling."

"But, Martha, that was more than seven days ago. Why are your eyes still
so red?"

"If you cried your eyes out three times day for a week, you'd look like
hell, too."
=========================================================================
Date:         Sat, 1 Jan 1994 19:10:29 EST
Reply-To:     [e-mail]
Sender:       UGA Humor List <[e-mail]>
From:         Joe Mole <[e-mail]>
Subject:      You can't borrow it <Mulla Nasrudin>

WHOM DO YOU BELIEVE?

     A neighbor went to Nasrudin, asking to borrow his donkey.  "It
is out on loan," said the Mulla.

     At that moment the donkey was heard to bray, somewhere inside
the stable.
     "But I can hear it bray, in there."

     "Whom do you believe," said the Mulla, "me or a donkey?"



A CLOTHESLINE

     A neighbor came to borrow Nasrudin's clothesline.

     "I am sorry but I am drying flour on it."

     "But how can you dry flour on a line?"

     "It is less difficult than you think, when you don't want to
lend it."
=========================================================================
Date:         Sun, 2 Jan 1994 08:37:57 -0500
Reply-To:     JOHN VOGEL <[e-mail]>
Sender:       UGA Humor List <[e-mail]>
From:         JOHN VOGEL <[e-mail]>
Subject:      Letterman Bottom 10 drinks

X-Comment: Late Show with David Letterman Top Ten Lists

---> December 31, 1993 <---

**To assist in this Top Ten List, Dave brought out the Top Ten Backup
  Singers, a trio, who sang each number before Dave read the item**

=========================================
Top Ten Least Popular Alcoholic Beverages
=========================================

10. Really, Really, Really, Really Old Milwaukee
 9. D-Train Scotch
 8. Amaretto Di Gotti
 7. Orville Redenbacher's Butter-Flavored Vodka
 6. McBourbon
 5. Dinty Moore's Pork N' Booze
 4. Ernest, Julio, Tom and Roseanne Gallo
 3. Dr. Scholl's Medicated Tequila
 2. Seagrams 7, Mets 0
 1. Chivas Regis
//////////////////////////////////////////////////////////

        ____  __.---''---.__  ____
       /####\/              \/####\
      (/~~~~~)              (~~~~~\)
       \__OO/                \OO__/
     __/                          \__           You were expecting maybe,
  .-'    .                      .    '-.                Al Gore?
  |  |   \.._                _../   |  |
   \  \    \.'-.__________.-'./    /  /
     \  \    '--.________.--'    /   /
   ___\  \_                    _/  /___
 ./    )))))                  (((((    \.
 \                                      /
  \           \_          _/           /
    \    \____/''-.____.-''\____/    /
      \    \                  /    /
       \.  .|                |.  ./
     .' / |  \              /  | \  '.
  .'  /   |   \            /   |   \   '.
 /.-./.--.|.--.\          /.--.|.--.\.-.|
=========================================================================
Date:         Sun, 2 Jan 1994 13:08:51 ADT
Reply-To:     Chris Turrell <[e-mail]>
Sender:       UGA Humor List <[e-mail]>
From:         Chris Turrell <[e-mail]>
Subject:      HUMOR Index - 29 Dec 1993 to 30 Dec 1993

------- Forwarded Message Follows -------

Date:          Fri, 31 Dec 1993 00:00:18 -0500
Reply-to:      [e-mail]
From:          Automatic digest processor <[e-mail]>
Subject:       HUMOR Index - 29 Dec 1993 to 30 Dec 1993
To:            Recipients of HUMOR indexes <[e-mail]>

Index Date  Size Poster and subject
----- ----  ---- ------------------
01407 12/30   22 From:    JOHN VOGEL <[e-mail]>
                 Subject: Letterman top 10 duckhunting list

01408 12/30   14 From:    Irene LeBlanc <[e-mail]>
                 Subject: Mind Slipping (Clean)

01409 12/30   19 From:    Bob Plested <[e-mail]>
                 Subject: whore house joke.

01410 12/30   49 From:    Robert Tenney <[e-mail]>
                 Subject: may be offensive to Native-Americans

01411 12/30   18 From:    Bill <[e-mail]>
                 Subject: Football joke

The sizes shown are the number of lines in the messages, not counting mail
headers. For your convenience, this message has been specially formatted to
make it easier to order the messages you are interested in. Just forward this
message back to LISTSERV@UGA (or [e-mail]) and fill in the line
starting with "Print" (if there is not enough space, you can add more lines as
long as you type "Print" on each new line). Make sure to use the forward
command of your mail program, not the normal reply function. There is a lot
more the LISTSERV database functions can do for you - for instance, you can
select all the messages with a particular subject in a single command rather
than retyping all the index numbers. For more information, send an INFO
DATABASE command to LISTSERV (you could add it before the line that says
"Database search" the next time you order messages from the LISTSERV archive).

Another method which could be more convenient, depending on the mail program
you are using, is to reply to this message while including the original text,
just like when you are replying to a normal message and want to quote what your
correspondent said. Before sending the message, delete the lines corresponding
to the items you are not interested in, and make sure your reply is being sent
to "[e-mail]", NOT to "[e-mail]". Note
that this may not work with all mail programs; the first method is more
reliable.

//       JOB
Database search DD=Orders
//Orders DD *
Select * in HUMOR.1407-1411
Print 01407
/*
//       EOJ

------------------------------------------------------------------
Laurie got offended that I used the word "puke." But to me, that's
 what her dinner tasted like.  Deep Thought      --Chris
------------------------------------------------------------------

                   oo$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$o           o$   $$ o$
 o $ oo        o$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$o       $$ $$ $$o$
 $ $ "$      o$$$$$$$$$    $$$$$$$$$$$$$    $$$$$$$$$o       $$$o$$o$
$$$$$o$     o$$$$$$$$$      $$$$$$$$$$$      $$$$$$$$$$o    $$$$$$$$
$$$$$$$    $$$$$$$$$$$      $$$$$$$$$$$      $$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$
$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$    $$$$$$$$$$$$$    $$$$$$$$$$$$$$  """$$$
 "$$$""""$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$     "$$$
 o$$"   $$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$     $$$
$$$o   $$$$$  $$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$   $$$$$$$$$$$$$
  $$$$$$"$$$$   $$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$     $$$$""""""""
  """    $$$$    "$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$"       o$$$
          "$$$o     """$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$"$$"         $$$
            $$$o          "$$""$$$$$$""""           o$$$
             $$$$o                 oo             o$$$"
              "$$$$o      o$$$$$$o"$$$$o        o$$$$
                "$$$$$oo     ""$$$$o$$$$$o   o$$$$""
                   ""$$$$$oooo  "$$$o$$$$$$$$$"""
                      ""$$$$$$$oo $$$$$$$$$$
                              """"$$$$$$$$$$$
                                   $$$$$$$$$$$
                                      "$$$""""
=========================================================================
Date:         Sun, 2 Jan 1994 13:32:02 EST
Reply-To:     Bill <[e-mail]>
Sender:       UGA Humor List <[e-mail]>
From:         Bill <[e-mail]>
Subject:      Miami crime humor

Dave Barry: Miami has a reputation for having a bad crime problem.

Audience:   How bad is it, Dave?

Dave Barry: It's so bad that this punch line has been stolen. (Rim shot,
answered by gunshots).



Dave Barry: A while back we rented one of those warehouse storage lockers, so
we could store some of our stuff in there for a couple of years before
throwing it all away. The rental guy asked me to sign a piece of paper, and he
said:

"This just says you're not going to use it to store any, like, drugs or human
bodies."

I looked at him.

"You'd be surprised," he said.



On Thanksgiving Day, some workers were trying to fix a clogged toilet at a
rental duplex, and they found a person in the septic tank. (This person was
deceased. Fortunately for him.)

Bill Edwards, HUMOR listowner, [e-mail] (uga.cc.uga.edu)
===================================================================
Tips on controlling your HUMOR mail: If your subscription is from a
BITNET site, address mail or commands to <[e-mail]>; all
others should use the INTERNET address <[e-mail]>. To
request special assistance, write the listowner. Humor should be
sent to HUMOR@... To control your mail send LISTSERV@... the command
SUB HUMOR Firstname Lastname, if you want to subscribe; SET HUMOR
MAIL, if you want to receive mail as it is posted; SET HUMOR DIGEST
if you want to receive HUMOR once a day; SET HUMOR INDEX, if you
only want to receive the DIGEST table of contents (you can download
articles separately); SET HUMOR NOMAIL if you only want posting
privileges or if you prefer to access HUMOR by downloading archived
files; or SIGNOFF HUMOR to leave this list. HUMOR is archived in
3000 line logs; to get log numbers, send the command INDEX HUMOR
to LISTSERV@... Never reply-to DIGEST or INDEX as that reply will
be posted to HUMOR with an invalid subject line. Since all
privileges on HUMOR are private to list members, you must address
the LISTSERV from your registered address. If that address changes,
you will need to change it here--if you want automatic services
from LISTSERV@... Enjoy the humor; encourage good contributions!
=========================================================================
Date:         Sun, 2 Jan 1994 23:46:02 EST
Reply-To:     [e-mail]
Sender:       UGA Humor List <[e-mail]>
From:         Sara Rummelhart <[e-mail]>
Subject:      Pope wants to meet the Virgin Mary <profane>

The Pope and Wilt Chamberlain die at the same time and meet on the way to
their prospective destinations.  After a brief discussion they proceed
on, but due to some unforeseen confusion, Wilt winds up in Heaven and the
Pope goes to Hell!

After a few hours, the error is caught and they again meet on the way to
their final resting places.

The Pope say, "Boy, I was worried for awhile.  I always wanted to meet
the Virgin Mary."

Says Wilt, "I think you're too late."
=========================================================================
Date:         Mon, 3 Jan 1994 07:34:00 EDT
Reply-To:     "Tom Ohlendorf - TSU Admin. DP,
              [phone]" <[e-mail]>
Sender:       UGA Humor List <[e-mail]>
From:         "Tom Ohlendorf - TSU Admin. DP,
              [phone]" <[e-mail]>
Subject:      You be the judge of offensiveness

A guy was walking down a street in Ireland when a man approached from behind
him and stuck a knife to the the guy's throat.

"Be you protestant or catholic", the assailant (sp?) asked.

The guy thought "If I say I'm catholic and he's protestant, I'm a dead man. If
I say I'm protestant and he's catholic, I'm a dead man." After a little
thought, the guy said, "I'm jewish, I'M JEWISH".

"Aha," the assailant said, "I have to be the luckyest Arab in Ireland!".
=========================================================================
Date:         Mon, 3 Jan 1994 11:11:23 -0500
Reply-To:     Grady Lacy <[e-mail]>
Sender:       UGA Humor List <[e-mail]>
From:         Grady Lacy <[e-mail]>
Subject:      Political humor (offensive only to "touchy" Democrats)

By now just about everyone on the net knows that President Clinton has his
own e-mail address:
     [e-mail]
Vice-President Gore has his own e-mail address:
     [e-mail]
What some people aren't aware of is that Mrs. Clinton also has her own
e-mail address:










     [e-mail]
=========================================================================
Date:         Mon, 3 Jan 1994 17:52:00 +0200
Reply-To:     [e-mail]
Sender:       UGA Humor List <[e-mail]>
From:         Robert Werman <[e-mail]>
Subject:      Anti-feminist, pro-feminist humor

    Adam asked one day, "God, may I ask you a question?"
    God said, "Of course, Adam."
    "God," asked Adam, "why did you create Eve so beautiful?"
    "That's a very good question, Adam," answered God.  "I
made her beautiful so that you would like her."
    Adam thought a while and said, "Thank you, God.  I know
that I am a bother, but I would like to ask you another
question."
    "Go ahead," said God, "how else will learn if you do not
ask questions?"
    "God," asked Adam, "I know why you made her so beautiful,
but why did you make Eve so dumb?"  [here feminists blanch]
    "Ah......", answered God, "...so that she would like you."
    [a great sigh of relief]


__Bob Werman    [e-mail]    [e-mail]
Jerusalem
=========================================================================
Date:         Mon, 3 Jan 1994 10:31:27 -0600
Reply-To:     [e-mail]
Sender:       UGA Humor List <[e-mail]>
From:         Mark Goehring <[e-mail]>
Subject:      long joke

First of all, I am desperately seeking the "Holy Grail" script... I had
it saved on the computer but my wonderful school deleted everything...
Isn't that nice???  If ANYONE out there has the script to Monty Pythons
Holy Grail would you please send it to me at  [e-mail]
Now, on with this joke which is very good at annoying someone.  The best
way to set this up is to tell them that this is an awesome joke and then
use someone you know as the main character.  With no further adoooooo...

John (or your favorite person) has two kids and they live in a small
town.  One summer a circus came to town and of course the kids begged to
go.  John, being a loving father, gives in and takes his two children.
When they get there the kids want popcorn, soda, and everything else.
John tells the two kids to go find the seats and he will be there in a
minute with all the food. (again, this is a small town where kidnapping
isn't a problem)  So, John is just getting to his seat when the first act
comes out.  As he approaches his kids he notices a man sitting next to
the kids and an empty seat next to the man.  Since the circus is
beginning and not wanting to make a scene, John sits next to the man and
not the kids.  John figures they can switch after the first act and
nobody will be bothered.  So the first act comes out and it is a clown.
The clown grabs the microphone and says, "ladies and gentlemen, first the
first act I will need tree volunteers!"  Without hesitation the guys on
either side of John stand up.  Well, not wanting to be outdone in front
of his kids, John stands up too.
The clown continues, "we will use the three of you (pointing to our
little trio) to make a horse.  You sir (pointing to the guy on John's
left) will be the horse's head.  And you sir (pointing to the guy on
John's right) will be the horse's middle.  And YOU (pointing to John) YOU
are the HORSE'S ASS!
The entire audience explodes in laughter.  John is humiliated and gets
his kids and storms out of the tent.  For the rest of the week everyone
makes fun of John. (again this is a small town and word travels fast) His
kids don't want to be near him, his wife won't sleep with him, his boss
doesn't want him to work for the company.  Basically his life is ruined
by the clown.
John starts thinking about how those guys left a seat for him and figures
that the whole thing was a set-up.  Since the circus will be open again
in a week, he begins to plot against the clown.  He goes to the library
and begins research.  He reads every funny book, every joke book, every
comeback line, watches movies about comedy, everything he can find.  He
stays at the library for like a week straight coming up with the best
come-back of all times until he has it.
So, the circus comes back and he convinces his kids to come with again.
Same thing happens, they want food, he has them go sit down, the same guy
is next to the kids and the clown comes out as John gets to his seat
between the two guys.  Again the clown asks for volunteers and again the
two guys on either side of him stand up.  John pops up thinking "yes,
this was a set up!  I'm gonna get this damn clown!  This comeback will
really get him good!"
Again the clown goes through his speal "you sir (pointing to the guy on
John's left) will be the horse's head and you (pointing to the guy on
John's right) will be the hors's middle and you (pointing at John) will
be the Horse's ASS!!!  The audience explodes again and John smiles
because he has the all time great comeback.  When the audience calms
down, John stands there and says ......... "FUCK YOU CLOWN!!!"

At this point, it is usually a good idea to duck beacuse most people will
probably hit you for wasting some much time with a dumb joke but it gets
funnier the more times you tell it and the more you add to it making it
longer and longer.
=========================================================================
Date:         Mon, 3 Jan 1994 10:40:04 -0600
Reply-To:     [e-mail]
Sender:       UGA Humor List <[e-mail]>
From:         Mark Goehring <[e-mail]>
Subject:      Well??

Well, what did you think of the really long joke???  I heard that this
summer at field training in Tyndall Air Force Base...  If anyone
recognizes it, gimmee a hollar!  Again, please send me the holy grail
file if you have it!!!!  Signing off for only my second time ever...
Mark...
PS  If things seem to be going too well, they probably are
=========================================================================
Date:         Mon, 3 Jan 1994 12:10:55 EST
Reply-To:     [e-mail]
Sender:       UGA Humor List <[e-mail]>
From:         Philip Hodgen <[e-mail]>
Subject:      Humor for 8 year olds.

Why can you never get hungry at the beach?




Because of the sand which is there.
=========================================================================
Date:         Mon, 3 Jan 1994 12:37:04 EST
Reply-To:     BETH WOODELL <[e-mail]>
Sender:       UGA Humor List <[e-mail]>
From:         BETH WOODELL <[e-mail]>
Subject:      Where'd the last brick go?

Mark's clown joke reminded me of a story my high school calculus
teacher told me. It was about a man who wanted to build a brick doghouse
for his dog using one of those d.i.y. plans from the hardware store.
The blueprint called for exactly 1000 bricks. Well, this was our hero's
first d.i.y. project and he really wanted to get it right. He studied
the plan, measured twice like a good do-it-yourselfer is supposed to,
mixed up all the mortar etc. and built the doghouse exactly according to
plan....except for one lonely little square hole at the top where the
last brick was supposed to go. Huh? He was sure he'd followed directions
exactly, and he was sure he purchased 1000 bricks and the hardware
store didn't shortchange him, and now he was coming up one brick short!
Where'd the last brick go?


Beth Woodell
University of Maryland
[e-mail]
"It's a dog-eat-dog world and I'm wearing Milk-Bone lingerie."
=========================================================================
Date:         Mon, 3 Jan 1994 13:29:53 -0500
Reply-To:     "Pamela M. Bianchi" <[e-mail]>
Sender:       UGA Humor List <[e-mail]>
From:         "Pamela M. Bianchi" <[e-mail]>
Subject:      Jokes

1.  Name two people who got shot in the head in a theater.

Abraham Lincoln
and
The guy who sat in front of Pee Wee Herman
=========================================================================
Date:         Mon, 3 Jan 1994 16:46:57 -0400
Reply-To:     [e-mail]
Sender:       UGA Humor List <[e-mail]>
Comments:     Warning -- original Sender: tag was [e-mail]
From:         [e-mail]
Subject:      Q & A humor  (clean)

Q: What does it mean when a woman comes home to a man who is considerate,
   kind and affectionate?

A: Usually it means she's in the wrong house!


         Ted Kennette             Internet: [e-mail]
         Systems Manager            Bitnet: [e-mail]
         Bentley College

  "Diplomacy is the art of saying 'nice doggie' until you can find a rock"
            "In the immortal words of socrates: I drank what?"